Monday, March 23, 2009

On a very special YesAndy

Hi gang.

Though I am eternally busy, with fingers in every pie, I am dedicated to telling you what you need to do to be happy and content in this mortal coil.

We have seen it all, you and I. Either you are a disgruntled thirteen year old, a welder, a paralegal, or someone who is experiencing their body for the first of many times. I’m right here waiting for you, just like the Richard Marx song from 1989.

And while I eat and sleep and dream just like the rest of you, I do it because I am required by the laws of the Universe. I must survive so you have someone in your corner. And YesAndy is always in your corner. Unless you are an asshole. I have a thing against people who are mean. It also helps that I am the only one truly qualified to answer your questions about the real stuff. The stuff that matters. I may not be a licensed therapist, but I tell you that I am. And that is enough for you.

Imagine my surprise, when I opened up the email bag and found this little gem from a lady who thinks she is a duck.

Remember to keep the questions coming. I will answer them all if I want to.


Dear YesAndy,

I am a reasonably attractive young woman. However, there is one friend I spend a lot of time with, and when we go out, it is apparent that she is The Cute One and I am just The Other One. People only notice her! Especially men people. What should I do?


The Just Okay-Looking Duckling

Dear Ducky,

Hell if I know, Woman. If I were a very smart and talented advice guru (Which, Duh.) I would be remiss if I didn’t stress the fact that YesAndy only replies to attractive women.

Not 'reasonably' attractive women.

Reasonably attractive means you have a bad attitude.

And bad attitudes make you look dumpy and gross.

It sounds like you need to wipe the ‘Wingman’ off your face with some soap, water and some industrial strength ‘I know I am hot- so what is your problem- check my hot ass out’ Available at your local every damn place you go. Let’s start at your mirror, ok?

Here are some things you need very badly:

1) Stand in front of your bathroom mirror, Ducky. Look at yourself. Isn’t that a sweet thing looking back at you? Damn. I like what you see. And you see what I like. Ladies have to understand that they are the alpha bits of the species. Humanities last hope. The things that make going out on the town way more fun. See, if it wasn’t for females, all we would have is gay bars for dudes, and there wouldn’t be any good music, because we would all be lip-syncing Iggy pop songs instead of Regina Spektor or Natalie Merchant. Those ladies have great voices. And that turns YesAndy on. Give me a good singing voice, and you are halfway in my tight leather pants without using a crowbar or whiskey. I forget what I was talking about. Oh yeah. Women. You are one of those, Ducky. You should be proud. There are more of you than men, so when the end of days comes, you will be in charge because dudes are going to be listening to Regina Spektor songs, hoping that she will sleep with me.

At any rate, I bet you are super hot, so stop worrying about it.

2) So…This friend you have…Is she single? Ha ha ha! Just kidding. We’re having a good time, aren’t we, Ducky? You know what? I don’t give a hoot if she is single or not. Because she is a common street whore compared to you! And street whores, as we all know from watching Moulin Rouge, eat the flesh of their young in order to stave off the effects of Tuberculosis. Who wants that? Not me. I like my children alive and well, plowing fields and tending the poppies so my Opium empire can grow and grow. Just kidding about the opium thing, Ducky. Although I have been in my fair share of Opium dens. In fact, that is what I call my bedchambers: ‘The Opium Den’. I even have an elderly Asian man sitting in the corner. He is who I ask questions to when I need advice.

Actually, that isn’t true either. When YesAndy needs council, I seek out those big assed tortoises they have at the zoo. Those guys live for like 200 years or something. And if they haven’t seen it all and done it all, then I will make an old asian guy sitting in the corner of my room eat his funny hat.

On to the third…

3) I mentioned the term ‘Wingman’ earlier. I wanted to go somewhere with that thought, but it’s sunny outside in Minneapolis, and I am distracted by the need to go out and soak up some vitamins though my skin. (which is, I am told, the largest organ the human body has. Isnt that interesting?) So yeah. Wingman… Something about Top Gun. Or maybe it was about Val Kilmer. He was in The Saint. I liked that movie. Spy movies are cool. Elizabeth Shue was in that one. She is wicked attractive just like you, Duckster. AND she was in Adventures in Babysitting. God I hate Chicago. And that one neighbor kid was in Rent. I never saw that show. I guess I was trying to tell you to Not Fuck with the Babysitter. And you are the Babysitter, Ducky. The babysitter of your stupid assed friend who tries to steal all the thunder. Don’t let her steal from you, Ducky. Thievery amongst friends is wack. Just like crack is. Crack is whack. Don’t do drugs, Ducky. I want to be outside. Jesus it is so nice out.

4) My picture of you in my mind is really good, Ducky. That should make you feel better than good, which of course is GREAT. Women, as a general rule, are neat to look at. They have curves and things that confuse men. I am not confused by things like that, as my brain is much more powerful than any realize. I am not easily distracted by a black bra strap that peeks through a white, button down blouse. Nor when a woman bends down to adjust the strap of her stiletto shoe, making her skirt draw tighter around her thighs. Even if she is wearing a black tank top and jeans, and her skin is awesome, she reaches up for something like a jug of water like from The Princess Bride, where it's that dude grabbing it, but in my mind it's a lady. She's all " I want you so hard" and then i go all Han Solo and I say "I know" Damn. Women are great. all of them. Except the ones that don't smile or have a sense of humor. I need that in a woman, or else she gets offended and we break up.
Ok. That's it. I'm going outside.

[YesAndy went outside a few minutes after typing the above sentence, and didn't return to headquarters until it was much too late to write. Also, he found a bottle of whiskey, and some really good movies at a thrift store, so he watched them, drank, thought about private things, and took a shower. It is now the next day, and it is cold and rainy in the Twin Cities.]

5) Ducky. It is nasty outside. What the hell happened? Stupid weather. I think that since I took a break from writing all that 'good will towards Women rhetoric', I pissed off the National Weather People. And they have sent me greyness and rain. I promise that from now on, I'm going to finish what I started and not take breaks. OOOH! The coffee is done brewing. Be right back.
[one hour later]

I had no idea that you were not supposed to brew coffee using coffee as the water. That was very messy.
So Ducky, what was I going to tell you? Oh yeah. I was going to tell you about distractions. They are everywhere. Your 'pretty' friend, for example. She is a distraction when you go out. But are the guys she is distracting really worth it? Probably not. Nine times out of ten, those guys are worthless sacks of doo. They wear the white ball caps backwards and always wear cargo shorts. They probably listen to rap music not out of irony, but because it 'speaks' to them in some way. It reminds them of the life they could have lived if they lived in the inner city, and not some safe suburb where nothing happens except for a contempo casual opening or an in-store appearance of some D-list celeb at a best buy. You want nothing of those Men, Ducky. You need an artist. Someone who is in touch with their emotions enough to know that 'Casper' was a heart warming movie. These guys hear an old Madonna song and say 'Oh! This is my jam!' (But not in a Gay way). You need a guy who looks into your eyes and sees YOU. Not what color bra you are wearing or how good your ass looks in pants. (they see that stuff later on) They look forward to seeing you walk towards them in a crowded room, and they always take your call in the middle of the night if you are in trouble. And if they get up to go to the kitchen while you are watching a movie on the couch, they ask if you would like anything like water or pudding pops or coffee. Those are they guys you want. The guys who treat you as an equal, but know deep down that you are better than them so they will never stop paying attention to you and never take you for granted.

I would hope that any woman who thinks they are Second String to what they think is a prettier friend would gather up some of the self confidence that they all deserve and start kicking ass and taking names. If I were able to (and I am) I would take all of you out on the town and show you how a gentleman handles things. Alas, I am just a voice on the interweb, albeit a voice you have come to know and trust as if my word were from God herself. So Ducky, all you need to do when you are out with that friend is be your beautiful self. Don't let her take anything from you that you don't want to give. And if you happen to be at the table when she goes to the bathroom to powder her nose, leaving you with that group of guys, casually mention that she has the kind of herpes that makes penises shrivel up and turn into vaginas. No guy wants that. Vaginas are wicked complex.

I hope your day tomorrow is sunny, Duckling.

Oh, and never call yourself a Duckling again. Call yourself something sexy, like 'Turbo Cobra Laser Vixen'

The Man who likes the pretty girl's friends,

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Watch out boy, she'll chew you up.

Good Morrow, gentle lovers.

Here's the deal: If you bring me the head of the farmer who decided they needed some daylight savings, I will give you the wisdom of the ages.
This isn't going to be a particularly noteworthy 'YesAndy' today. Not that the advice I give won't be full of miracles and wonder, it's just that I'm really tired, and you feel bad for making me concentrate.
I know what you're thinking. You think this stuff just comes to me as if by dreams, and the only energy I have to muster is the clicking of the mouse and the typing of the keys. No so fast, Lee Harvey. Sometimes even I need to do some research regarding questions.
And so, here is a blog that took over a week to write. Not out of laziness, but research. Because I want to give you facts. Facts that blow your mind.
The items of wisdom I had to look up on the interweb are boldfaced. I will not cite my sources, just know that they are correct.

Dear YesAndy,

I'm about to go to welding school (so that i can help save America) and I'm wondering, is there anything more sexy than a welder? Also, why do you find men attractive?

Seriously why do you keep looking at me like that,
Manly Welder Man

Dear Mary,
Hell if I know, but if I were a person who binds metal together using either electricity or heat (which I am) I would be a welder. Do you want to know where your tuition money is going towards when you get accepted to welding school? Or course you do.
When you go to any Welding school of higher learning, do you notice that all those textbooks cost about $500 each? Sucks, doesn't it? Why would you need to pay that much for a workbook, a dvd and a tome that weighs a hundred pounds? The answer is simple, Mary- The instructors are all Dancers when the sun goes down. And Dancers not only have to 'Bring it' they have to pay their Dancer bills and pay their Dancer rent. Leg warmers don't pay for themselves, Mary.
Most of the cost involved in going to Welding College is for the Special Anniversary Director's Cut of the Movie FLASHDANCE.
Oh no, how cliche. YesAndy referenced Flashdance when talking about welding.
That's right, bitches. The cinema masterpiece from 1983 is all you need. Once you have seen it, you are either three things:
1) A Welder.
2) A Dancer.
3) Jennifer Beals.

Look, Mary, I know we all wanted to be Jennifer Beals when we grew up. Even yours truly thought she looked good. I actually thought it was a porn for many years. Since I don't watch porn, I only make it, I have never seen the movie. However, I do know what it is about just by looking at the poster. Here is a summary for those who haven't seen it:

Jennifer Beals is a Doctor in a dirty city.
She hates her face, so she hides it in a welder's mask.
She is a bad Doctor, so her clothes are all cut up, or barely there at all.
She sells the collars of her sweatshirts to buy soup.
Since she is so bad at medicine, she tries to be a stripper.
Being much better at stripping than Heart bypass surgery, she keeps trying to make it.
Some dude likes her.
They go out to dinner, and since she is so excited to have something other than soup, she is disoriented and cuts off the sleeves of a tuxedo shirt she stole.
She offers the dude the sleeves as payment for the nice dinner, but he takes sex as payment.
They have sex.
She decides to weld as a hobby. (Since she already has the mask)
They get married and have babies.
The babies end up being humanities last hope against a monster. Many years later.
The end.

Here are some things to help you. Five whole things. You might notice that I hit upon a couple other topics you brought up in your question. Please read them, and know the full power of my brain. (which I only use 75% of. Because I am lazy. Normal people use only 10% of their tiny minds. It's science. I cannot fight it.)

1) You think Welding is going to save America... ok. Good luck with that. Is America made of two bits of metal that needs to become one bit of metal? Do you speak in metaphor to confuse or to justify why you cry at night?
I don't speak in metaphor, because I tell it like it is. I'm like a warrior who goes into battle with nothing but his words, vanquishing the enemies of higher thought by stabbing them with razor sharp wit, breaking their necks of doubt with my hands of truth. Pulling out their spines of fear with the jaws of life of wisdom.
Metaphors are for suckers, and you sir, are that Owl who gets to the center of the tootsie pop of lies by biting into it, thus cheating the small inner child of our poorly animated 1970's commercial of the soul out of finding the inner beauty of something something.

2) What is sexy, Manly Mary? A wise man would say that only the wise can admit that they know nothing. I am wise as hell, kiddo, and if there is one thing I know, it is Sexy.
Sexy is not Welding. Welding is of course a part of sexy, but there is more. Let me paint a picture in your mind:
There is a woman. She is standing at the end of a long hallway. The hallway is filled with fog. The kind that stays at your feet. The dry ice kind of fog, but it doesn't get your feet all wet. The sexy kind of fog. And there are christmas lights on the ceiling. And they look cool. As you walk towards her, you are passing rooms where the doors are open. You look inside each one, because you are walking slowly. Slowly is sexy. The first room has some Sexy Aerosmith or Queen song playing in it. The next one has a bunch of Women wearing wizard robes standing in a sexy circle. In the middle of the circle is a circle of actual wizards dressed in women's clothes. That part isn't sexy, and it is freaking you out. You keep walking. The room after that one is some cheerleaders doing complex math problems on a dry erase board. Sexy Math. You keep walking towards the woman at the end of the hallway, and in one room, David Bowie is sitting in a high backed chair. The room after Bowie is actually the same room Bowie is in. He got up from his chair and is following you. He asks you to be his friend. You say yes, of course, because it is David Bowie. But you are still walking. That woman at the end is waiting for you. There are a few more rooms to look into. What is that?! You look into a room, and there is every hot chick you ever went to school with. And they are all wearing bear costumes. Really realistic ones. And there is a stream running through the middle of the room. Salmon are trying to spawn. The girls (who do not have bear heads, just their regular heads) are grabbing the salmon from the air, but instead of salmon, they now have coupons to really good restaurants. They put them in a tray on a desk made of mahogany. The tray is marked 'Outgoing' That part doesn't matter, but the man sitting at the desk is none other than Henry Winkler. Television's Aurthur Fonzerelli. Sexy.
But still, you walk. You can smell the perfume that the girl down the hall is wearing. It's Clinique 'Happy' That stuff smells great. Sexy great.
The second to the last room is a ball pit. Like the kind they have at Chuck E Cheese or Showbiz Pizza. you look inside and see that no one is in it. That is sexy, because ball pits are really fun. You jump in and spend about an hour having the time of your life. There is a projector on one wall showing nothing but the best parts of movies. And there is a soda fountain with free drinks. Every kind of drink. Ever.
You get out of the ballpit, and you are wearing a tuxedo.
One more room to pass, and you arrive at Woman.
Looking inside this last mysteriously sexy room, you see a mirror. It's a big one. it almost reaches the ceiling. You look into it, and you see that you have become Harry Potter, and you are looking at a reflection of you and your dead parents.
Just kidding. It's just a mirror. But there is a hot lady there dressed as a wizard from one of the first rooms, and she gives you an amulet that lets you see through anything. And it can make you fly. Also, it gives you free admission to any amusement park in the world. That is really neat.
You get to the end of the best hallway you have ever walked down and this woman at the end is super hot, and you guys make out and do it. *

I kind of lost steam there at the end, but steam is sexy, and losing steam means you have to go find it again, and looking for stuff is like an adventure. So...yeah. THAT is what sexy is.
I noticed that I forgot that I said welding was a part of it. Let's just assume that Fonzie was welding something together to make a hovercraft.

4) (#2 was also #3.) While I understand your need to make yourself feel more like a man by calling yourself 'Manly Welder Man' You are not yet a Welder. Nor are you yet a Man. Being a Man means helping around the house with little things that might otherwise be overlooked by testosterone laden Beefeaters. You need to offer to help with dishes. You should help make a scrapbook. Try your hand at needlepoint. Watch Moulin Rouge and Amelie. they are really good movies without explosions. But there are Guns. My favorite scene in Amelie is when she takes down an underground street gang in Bangkok with a Desert Eagle .50 And when Nicole Kidman Pulled the Samoan Dictator's heart right out of his chest, and then she took a fucking bite out of it while it was beating?! That was one of the best moments in cinema history.
See, Manly Mary, you need to show off the softer side of Sears. The department store of your heart needs to be open 24 hours a day. Not just for a 13 hour sale.
And you need to stop speaking in metaphor. It's pissing me off.
Your childish way of sneaking in that you think I'm gay doesn't make any sense. It's the same as calling me a 'Neener Head' What the fuck is a 'Neener Head'? It's ok to be gay, Manly. You should stop all the hate. Hate makes you look fat.
I want you to be happy, Manly, but you have some demons you need to exorcise before you become a welder. Working with intense heat, your defenses are low, making you a prime target for enemies.
That is also something a MAN does. He makes it so motherfuckers can't beat him up. Always aware of his surroundings. Ever vigilant. And he watches Amelie and Moulin Rouge with his special lady. And maybe gives high fives about sweet things like Amelie slitting some ninja's throat and drinking whiskey from his skull. There was something else I needed to tell you... What was it? Oh yeah!
Sometimes Men also knit. I have friends who make lovely scarves. I wish I had half their talent.
I'm pretty sure you understand me by now, but you are due for a number five thing. Here you go...

5) You signed off by telling me to stop looking at you like that. Looking at you like what, Manly Welder Lady? Do you think I am there with you right now? Do you see me everywhere you go? I'm worried about you, Tiny Dancer. I have a neat little project for you to help you feel more comfortable in your skin.

here is what you need:

* Sweatshirt (grey)
* Scissors
* Sleeveless Dance Leotard
* Spandex pants (or opaque tights)
* Legwarmers
* Curly wig (optional)

Step 1: Pick up a grey sweatshirt and cut the ribbed neckline and cuffs off of it. Wash it and you should have a "roll" to the cuffs and neckline allowing it to hang nicer off of your shoulder like the one in the Flashdance.

Step 2: Layer your ensemble with the opaque tights or spandex first, then your dance leotard (sleeveless or short-sleeved works best), and then put your off-the-shoulder sweatshirt over it.

Step 3: Pull on your legwarmers and slouch them down.

Step 4: if you don't already have curly hair, And you're not inclined to wearing a wig, scrunch your hair with mousse while still wet.
Now go out and get kissed by men and women alike, because now you look like Jennifer Beals.
Let's face it, you want to be her, right? This is what we have been getting to all along. Manly Welder: You want to be a woman.

So, Manly Welder Man-child. Have we an understanding? I'm pretty sure I was good about hitting on all those pesky topics you burdened me with in your little note. Now I have burdened you with knowledge that I hope you use to become a better welder. And a better dancer. A flash dancer.
This edition of YesAndy has made me want to go see Flashdance. However, since it isn't in the theatres anymore (it came out in 1983) I will instead go watch Amelie again because I don't want to be made fun of by the Hollywood video guy because I'm renting Flashdance.
Take care, Manly. Every time I look at some welded piece of metal, I will think of Jennifer Beals. I hope you think of me.

oh, and Manly Welder Man, remember that when you are 'Quenching', you are rapidly cooling the steel to make it harder. The steel has to have enough carbon in it for it to harden. Mild steel can't be quenched to harden it because it has only .33% carbon in it. You need about .70% to be able to harden by quenching. You are changing the crystal structure from one atomic pattern to another. And also, go fuck yourself. I'm not gay :)

Your Wiser, more assertive Welding mentor-

*That may or may not have been a dream I had recently.