My dearest Petticoat Junctions,
With times being what they are, as with most threats of change, YesAndy tends to get a little nostalgic. The days of yore are knocking at my brain-door and I am heading the cavalry off at the pass.
Since I have never known what that means exactly, I am doing something I have never done: I am opening up the YesAndy Vault and giving you a flashback.
This post is retro. And by retro, I mean bursting with pop culture references that even my most Lowry salt seasoned readers might not be able to wrap their brain pan around. But even the simple minded will appreciate the heaviness of what I am about to lay before you.
The YesAndy timestream is a wonder to behold. It's almost as if I shall live forever and ever. And you are welcome in advance, because as long as you will have me- I am yours. And this advice I give will always be your Secret Garden. Of advice. Yes. I went there.
Take my very strong and manly hand, as we travel back to the year 1989.
I have a problem, and my friend told me that you help people who ask you stuff.
See, there is this girl in my Anatomy and Physiology class that is beautiful. I mean like Rene Russo beautiful (She was in Lethal Weapon). I want to ask her to go see a movie. But how do I do this? She is way too rad and cool to even talk to. I am in college, and not a 13 year old kid. I just felt I should tell you that for some reason.
Thank you for any help you can give.
Debbie Gibson fan
Dear Debbie Gibson Fan,
Hell if I know, but seriously, I do know. Don't have a cow, Man. If I were the most bodacious dude in the world, which I am, I would tell you that you came to the most totally right place. Your friend did you a favor by referring you to me. I am going to help you like Scorpion helped the Berlin Wall crumble into a million pieces the other day. But before I start, I need to tell you that my writing style is like a mixture of Batman; Indiana Jones and Rain Man mixed into one. It may blow your mind. I expect to be a bigger deal than I am now pretty soon. I heard that Dear Abbey is retiring or something, so you are getting in on the ground floor of something so bodacious that your head might blow up like that earthquake that happened during the World Series. Serious, Dude, If I was in Tienanmen Square, I could stop those tanks with my mind and all of those Communists would be enjoying Democracy.
I have this deal where I give people five bullet points of something I call 'RadThought' I think that it will be what I am remembered for in the future. Kind of like how Bobby Brown will be the most important artist ever, Yours truly will be huge.
Here are your five RadThoughts:
1) Dude, chicks are like the best thing ever. You need to know that from the start, or you will end up lame. Do you want to be with some lady like Roseanne or someone like Cindy Crawford? If you end up settling for someone who you are comfortable talking to, you will be like Salman Rushdie & your complacency will resemble the death order from Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini because you wrote a book called 'Satanic Verses' I usually don't speak in metaphor, Debbie Gibson, nor am I this topical. Please know that I am very smart. I also own a cellular telephone.
So confidence is the game you should play. So put down your pogs, saunter up to the looking glass and tell yourself that you have a date with Destiny. And her name is that chick in your Anatomy class.
2)I just watched an episode of The Cosby Show before I started replying to your note. I swear, that show will last forever unless they add some little kid to the mix because Rudy is getting older. Your problem reminds me of something Bill Cosby said to Theo. It was about asking a girl out: " Theo, I like Jazz so much it makes me want to punch your mother in the head"
You need to be punched in the head, Debbie. Not in the literal sense, but in the Bill Cosby sense. Dr. huxtable would never hit the sweet hotness that is his Lawyer wife. But he brings up a good point: Jazz is pretty good sometimes.
3) When you walk up to her, casually mention that your friends think you are exactly like John Cusack from 'Say Anything' Girls like that. Also, say loudly when her back is turned (in a high pitched voice, so she thinks it is a girl talking and not you) 'Like, OhMyGod, is that like John Cusack? Because that guy Debbie Gibson really looks like Lloyd Dobler' She will turn around and see that the voice was right, and immediately want to make out and go to second base right on the lab table.
4)She has seen the awesome in your eyes, Debbie. Now you need to start talking. Memorize the following, and you can't go wrong:
'Hey there. My name is Debbie Gibson. My friends call me "Indy".
I was noticing that you like taking notes in class. Me too. That's cool.
I find myself distracted during class because of all the thoughts I have for the future. So instead of writing down notes, I end up making lists of all the cities I want to visit; names I want to call my many children that I have with the woman I will spend the rest of my life with; recipes for delicious desserts I invent and want to make for that certain someone special; and open letters to executives at McDonalds telling them that they have to stop using Styrofoam to package up their mc DLT's. I started recycling years ago. before it was trendy. I was wondering if you like music? I do. I'm listening to these popular artist from the year 1989:
* Duran Duran
* Paul McCartney
* Phil Collins
* The Bangles
* New Kids On The Block
* Depeche Mode
* Paula Abdul
* Garth Brooks
* Elvis Costello
I could make you a mix tape if you want. Anyway. You are very beautiful. I like it.
Want to go to the mall and catch a movie? We can eat at the food court. And by 'Food Court' I of course mean Applebees. They just put one in. It's cool. you can order whatever you want. My dad owns a dealership. Toyotas mostly. Sometimes used Saab's.
So. What do you think?'
And then she will scream 'I think Hell yeah! I could learn to love you! Lets go out on a date! Radical!'
5) This girl sounds pretty amazing, Debbie. When she says yes to going out with you, you have to bring your A-game. Ladies like this need to be treated like Morgan Fairchild. Not to say you need to buy her diamonds, but I think it would be a good idea to have a friendship bracelet handy. Those are like marking your territory without peeing on anything. Once another guy sees that a girl has one of those, it might as well be a wedding band. I suggest that you go with a nice neon green or orange. Something that matches her fanny pack is ideal.
As for the movie you should watch, you will be going to see BATMAN. It has Michael Keaton playing the Man himself. And Jack Nicholson is the Joker. You can't go wrong.
If Batman is sold out, you might want to try and see UHF. Wierd Al is due for a huge movie career. And Women like to laugh.
If all else fails, Rent a video and make for damn sure it is Steel Magnolias. I assure you that you will thank me later. But that is a last resort. Keep Steel Mags as your third date activity. Trust me. Home run. That means touching things they tell you not to touch until
Soon, Debbie Gibson, you will be married and have four babies. You will name them Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Shredder.
I am glad I wrote back to you. I rarely write to people I don't know, but you were reffered by a trusted friend who knows the value of limitless wisdom.
Can you imagine what wisdom I will dish out in like 20 years? That will be awesome, because it will be 2009 and we will have flying cars. And I am sure that the economy will be tubular. Cowabunga, Dudes. Cowabunga. I just hope that in the future there is some medium I can use to get the word out to all those in need of help. Maybe when they make computers less than $5,000 and put them in your head. The future is going to be so bad. Michael Jackson style.
I gotta take off, Debbie. There is a showing of Honey, I shrunk the Kids at the Southtown Theatre. I swear, this is the summer of Rick Moranis. Dude is hilarious.
Keep being radical.
No. that is awkward. Keep thrashin. No...
Yep. That's the stuff.
Stay Awesome, Debbie Gibson
Your new friend who will just get better with age,
Please leave comments if you would like me to dive into the vault again.
And remember to leave a question of your own at firstname.lastname@example.org
Put 'Dear YesAndy' in the subject line.
Knowing fear, embracing terror.
9 years ago