Sunday, April 19, 2009

Lights out. Uh Huh. Flash Flash Flash.

My dearest Petticoat Junctions,

With times being what they are, as with most threats of change, YesAndy tends to get a little nostalgic. The days of yore are knocking at my brain-door and I am heading the cavalry off at the pass.
Since I have never known what that means exactly, I am doing something I have never done: I am opening up the YesAndy Vault and giving you a flashback.
This post is retro. And by retro, I mean bursting with pop culture references that even my most Lowry salt seasoned readers might not be able to wrap their brain pan around. But even the simple minded will appreciate the heaviness of what I am about to lay before you.
The YesAndy timestream is a wonder to behold. It's almost as if I shall live forever and ever. And you are welcome in advance, because as long as you will have me- I am yours. And this advice I give will always be your Secret Garden. Of advice. Yes. I went there.
Take my very strong and manly hand, as we travel back to the year 1989.

Dear YesAndy,

I have a problem, and my friend told me that you help people who ask you stuff.
See, there is this girl in my Anatomy and Physiology class that is beautiful. I mean like Rene Russo beautiful (She was in Lethal Weapon). I want to ask her to go see a movie. But how do I do this? She is way too rad and cool to even talk to. I am in college, and not a 13 year old kid. I just felt I should tell you that for some reason.

Thank you for any help you can give.

Debbie Gibson fan

Dear Debbie Gibson Fan,

Hell if I know, but seriously, I do know. Don't have a cow, Man. If I were the most bodacious dude in the world, which I am, I would tell you that you came to the most totally right place. Your friend did you a favor by referring you to me. I am going to help you like Scorpion helped the Berlin Wall crumble into a million pieces the other day. But before I start, I need to tell you that my writing style is like a mixture of Batman; Indiana Jones and Rain Man mixed into one. It may blow your mind. I expect to be a bigger deal than I am now pretty soon. I heard that Dear Abbey is retiring or something, so you are getting in on the ground floor of something so bodacious that your head might blow up like that earthquake that happened during the World Series. Serious, Dude, If I was in Tienanmen Square, I could stop those tanks with my mind and all of those Communists would be enjoying Democracy.

I have this deal where I give people five bullet points of something I call 'RadThought' I think that it will be what I am remembered for in the future. Kind of like how Bobby Brown will be the most important artist ever, Yours truly will be huge.
Here are your five RadThoughts:

1) Dude, chicks are like the best thing ever. You need to know that from the start, or you will end up lame. Do you want to be with some lady like Roseanne or someone like Cindy Crawford? If you end up settling for someone who you are comfortable talking to, you will be like Salman Rushdie & your complacency will resemble the death order from Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini because you wrote a book called 'Satanic Verses' I usually don't speak in metaphor, Debbie Gibson, nor am I this topical. Please know that I am very smart. I also own a cellular telephone.
So confidence is the game you should play. So put down your pogs, saunter up to the looking glass and tell yourself that you have a date with Destiny. And her name is that chick in your Anatomy class.

2)I just watched an episode of The Cosby Show before I started replying to your note. I swear, that show will last forever unless they add some little kid to the mix because Rudy is getting older. Your problem reminds me of something Bill Cosby said to Theo. It was about asking a girl out: " Theo, I like Jazz so much it makes me want to punch your mother in the head"
You need to be punched in the head, Debbie. Not in the literal sense, but in the Bill Cosby sense. Dr. huxtable would never hit the sweet hotness that is his Lawyer wife. But he brings up a good point: Jazz is pretty good sometimes.

3) When you walk up to her, casually mention that your friends think you are exactly like John Cusack from 'Say Anything' Girls like that. Also, say loudly when her back is turned (in a high pitched voice, so she thinks it is a girl talking and not you) 'Like, OhMyGod, is that like John Cusack? Because that guy Debbie Gibson really looks like Lloyd Dobler' She will turn around and see that the voice was right, and immediately want to make out and go to second base right on the lab table.

4)She has seen the awesome in your eyes, Debbie. Now you need to start talking. Memorize the following, and you can't go wrong:
'Hey there. My name is Debbie Gibson. My friends call me "Indy".
I was noticing that you like taking notes in class. Me too. That's cool.
I find myself distracted during class because of all the thoughts I have for the future. So instead of writing down notes, I end up making lists of all the cities I want to visit; names I want to call my many children that I have with the woman I will spend the rest of my life with; recipes for delicious desserts I invent and want to make for that certain someone special; and open letters to executives at McDonalds telling them that they have to stop using Styrofoam to package up their mc DLT's. I started recycling years ago. before it was trendy. I was wondering if you like music? I do. I'm listening to these popular artist from the year 1989:
* Duran Duran
* Paul McCartney
* Phil Collins
* Prince
* Madonna
* Erasure
* The Bangles
* Madonna
* New Kids On The Block
* Cher
* R.E.M
* Depeche Mode
* Paula Abdul
* Garth Brooks
* Elvis Costello

I could make you a mix tape if you want. Anyway. You are very beautiful. I like it.
Want to go to the mall and catch a movie? We can eat at the food court. And by 'Food Court' I of course mean Applebees. They just put one in. It's cool. you can order whatever you want. My dad owns a dealership. Toyotas mostly. Sometimes used Saab's.
So. What do you think?'
And then she will scream 'I think Hell yeah! I could learn to love you! Lets go out on a date! Radical!'

5) This girl sounds pretty amazing, Debbie. When she says yes to going out with you, you have to bring your A-game. Ladies like this need to be treated like Morgan Fairchild. Not to say you need to buy her diamonds, but I think it would be a good idea to have a friendship bracelet handy. Those are like marking your territory without peeing on anything. Once another guy sees that a girl has one of those, it might as well be a wedding band. I suggest that you go with a nice neon green or orange. Something that matches her fanny pack is ideal.
As for the movie you should watch, you will be going to see BATMAN. It has Michael Keaton playing the Man himself. And Jack Nicholson is the Joker. You can't go wrong.
If Batman is sold out, you might want to try and see UHF. Wierd Al is due for a huge movie career. And Women like to laugh.
If all else fails, Rent a video and make for damn sure it is Steel Magnolias. I assure you that you will thank me later. But that is a last resort. Keep Steel Mags as your third date activity. Trust me. Home run. That means touching things they tell you not to touch until
Soon, Debbie Gibson, you will be married and have four babies. You will name them Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Shredder.

I am glad I wrote back to you. I rarely write to people I don't know, but you were reffered by a trusted friend who knows the value of limitless wisdom.
Can you imagine what wisdom I will dish out in like 20 years? That will be awesome, because it will be 2009 and we will have flying cars. And I am sure that the economy will be tubular. Cowabunga, Dudes. Cowabunga. I just hope that in the future there is some medium I can use to get the word out to all those in need of help. Maybe when they make computers less than $5,000 and put them in your head. The future is going to be so bad. Michael Jackson style.
I gotta take off, Debbie. There is a showing of Honey, I shrunk the Kids at the Southtown Theatre. I swear, this is the summer of Rick Moranis. Dude is hilarious.
Keep being radical.
No. that is awkward. Keep thrashin. No...
Stay Rad.
Stay Awesome.
Yep. That's the stuff.

Stay Awesome, Debbie Gibson

Your new friend who will just get better with age,

Please leave comments if you would like me to dive into the vault again.
And remember to leave a question of your own at
Put 'Dear YesAndy' in the subject line.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Imaginary? This stuff is REAL!

Fair and lovelies,
Today, I am channeling Walt Whitman in the fact that I am singing The Body Electric.
And you will too, after this rousing and very informative edition of YesAndy! Advice and BBQ Recipes. The days are getting longer, and the late afternoon sun has reached my western facing wall. Summer is coming, and with it, the ladies get off the busses from ‘Hot Camp’ and they start walking around in towels and capes.
Let that image soak in for a moment.

So since I am trying harder to enjoy life and Carpe Diem, as it were, I will be shortening my opening statements in an attempt to streamline your advice and knowledge system.
Today’s gem comes from a very inquisitive bird who we will call ‘Dedicated’
I say inquisitive, because I noticed that they asked not one, but four questions. Usually, the amazement I allow you to absorb is limited to ONE little ditty.
Again, I sing the body electric.
You know what that means.
It means I am trying to be nicer in my responses no matter how ridiculous the query. People may tell you that there is no dumb question.
I completely disagree.
For example:

Dear YesAndy,
This is in regard to your post to the little thirteen year-old.

If Santa has an imaginary penis...

Do all of the beloved characters from my childhood like the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy not have genitals? And if so, how do these characters go to the bathroom? Because you see them eating... so don’t they have to go to the bathroom? Or are they like the nuaghty ghost from ghost busters and it just falls out of them?


Dedicated Friend and Reader

Dear Dedicated,
What is it with everyone wanting to talk about thirteen year olds? Am I finally sponsored by a huge corporation? And is that company Nickelodeon? Do I have a Dora the Explorer icon on the top of the page? Let it go, people.
Dedicated, if I were you (which I am. YesAndy is all people and no one at the same time. A ghostly memory of what was and a solid shadow of what will be. Boom. Your mind is blown.) I would be asking myself not four questions, but only one: ‘Why must I insist on trying to be clever with the father of wit?’
Of course, the Father in question is YesAndy, and ‘wit’ is my love baby that I invented or something.
You see, Dedicated, It has come to my attention that there is a religion being formed in a moderately sized mid-western city that ends in ‘apolis’ where I am the Alpha and the Omega. My words are scripture, and this text you are reading, a sort of bible. So far, the only congregant in the Church of YesAndy is a guy who fancies himself to be a welder. But I am sure, that with time, more sheep will be added to the flock and this advice stop on the train tracks to prosperity will become a fully functional battle station.
But like I always say, ‘I think metaphors are for the weak. Tell it like it is’
Just like Billy The Kid, Dedicated, I am not a God. Though I am descended from the Gods of the North, I don’t like to bring it up because that leads to me doing party tricks (which I dislike).
My only advice to Brother welder-man is to be nice to his roommates all the time. And do whatever they ask politely of you.
But my advice to you, Dedicated comes in five parts to your four questions.

1) If Santa has an imaginary penis...
Do all of the beloved characters from my childhood like the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy not have genitals?
-That is what you asked me. I wanted you to re-read it. Maybe say it outloud. In front of a mirror. Now pretend that you are interviewing for a job that will be your career for the rest of your life. Your prospective employer asks you if you have any questions, and you ask that. Your children need new clothes for school, and your mortgage isn’t going to pay itself.
If I were your prospective employer (which I am) I would punch you in the face. And then I would hire the next person with the least experience. Just to piss you off.
And yes, they all have genitals. How else would they have families? Jesus, Dedicated, did you really need me for that?

2) And if so, how do these characters go to the bathroom?
-There’s another one of those things you asked. You knew deep down that they all went to the bathroom. They go like you or I would, but I wonder if you even know how to do that. Perhaps the underlying problem is your lack of toilet training. I think that since you are asking the questions of a four-year-old boy, which is what you are. I beg you to ask your supervisors to throw some cheerios into the toilet and when the desire arises, whip it out and try to sink those heart healthy cereal bits. That is how some people learned to not pee in corners or in their own pants. I am of course, not referring to myself. I always knew how to not pee my pants. The thought of being trained in anything is insulting. YesAndy knows. And he has always known. Everything.

3) Because you see them eating... so don’t they have to go to the bathroom?
- Do you see them eating? Or do you feel that they should eat? Is the act of eating a comfort to you? If they do not eat, do you fear they might not be real? Or if they do eat, will they become less imaginary? Since they do have genitals, as I have told you, do you think that asking so many questions is just about the most annoying thing ever? Santa has twig & berries. He is married. To Mrs. Santa. She likes watching adult movies while they go at it for hours and hours. Don’t believe me? Read the bible. It’s all referenced in there. In that one chapter where they talk about how kids should shut the hell up until they develop ideas of their own. It’s not that I am mad at you, Dedicated, it’s just that talking about the bathroom makes me have to go, and if the YesAndy bladder is ringing it’s gong of intent, the sensei of logic must learn to unlearn what he has learned about holding it all in. Because you could get a bladder infection of the soul.
- Metaphors are dumb. Gotta pee. Brb.

4) Or are they like the nuaghty ghost from ghost busters and it just falls out of them?
- What?! Santa is a Ghost now? The Easter bunny is a phantom spectre who haunts the hallways of homes everywhere, and instead of searching for the ones who killed him, or crossing over into the next phase of existence, There is some free floating apparition rabbit who hides plastic eggs filled with jelly bellies? I see where you are going with that, Dedicated. I see, and I approve. I like your version better than the hundreds of years of tradition that has made small children and that young at heart happy. You are what they call a ‘Dream Killer’. And food falling out of the torso of a see through Santa Claus, fully chewed but not digested is really gross. You must have been hurt really bad by someone you trusted to try and sully my view of Ghostbusters. I saw that movie when it came out in the theatre, Dedicated. And you are not going to take that away from me. Not me, or any of the good people who read these passages of truth. Shame, Dedicated, Oh the shame.

5) You misspelled the word ‘Naughty’ Use your spell check the next time you write me, ok?

Ok, Dedicated Friend and Reader. We have hit on several things today that you need to think long and hard about. I know that in the end, we have taken your curiosity and replaced it with fear. Fear, as the ancient people from far away have told their children for years and years, is the reason I do not hold you or make eye contact.
Together, everyone, we have the power to extinguish every fire and high five every person who punches a child molester in the face.
Let’s get the inbox moving again, folks. No is going to solve your problems but YesAndy, and I am more than willing to help.
Happy Easter everyone. The rabbit is behind you with a knife…

Your very own dedicated friend and lover,

Feel free to send all your needy nagging questions to be sure to put ‘Dear Yes Andy’ in the subject line.