Ninth old advice bit.

The ninth installment. From back in the day.

-Y.A.!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

It's pronounced: Pen-oose. It's french... Current mood:Keeping mine in my pants... Hey Panda Bears, The people demand my wisdom, and much like city hall, you can't fight it. I am your public servant, and you are my masters. Whip me, beat me, and write me bad checks. You know the old saying. Anyway, this one comes from a bird that calls herself 'Poked and hating it'. Looks like my work is cut out for me on this one… As always, you ask, I answer. Ours is a forbidden love. But I will always call you in the AM. Welcome to your newest Yes Andy! Thing: Dear Yes Andy, I am in a play and have to simulate sex on stage, the man I must do this with has been poking me with his little soldier who is always at attention and it is making me very uncomfortable, what do I do? Signed, 'Poked and hating it' Dear Poked, Hell if I know, but if I were an actor (which I am), I would be worrying about how good I look in the sex scene. I am certain that all the women that write to Yes Andy! Are hot bits of lady. So I'm sure you don't have that problem. I tend to attract the attractive, you know? Much like Jesus did way back when. And like the Jesus, it is my cross to bear. Enough about me. You have a penis-poking problem. Have you ever read the bible or gone to Catholic School? Well, I know people who have done both. These people have told me that acting is evil and goes against God. I'm not sure where I'm going with that, but I have space to fill and you still have a penis-poking problem. Anyways, I think they might have been Baptists. Here are some things that you could try to get this guy's attention without making it all about the penis…poking problem… I don't think that will stop being funny to me. Enjoy! 1) If you are still in rehearsals for this production, you have many options. This is the first one: Be upfront about it to him. Don't beat around the bush (no pun intended). Tell him that he needs to masturbate before each performance so he doesn't get aroused during the scene. He's a fucking actor, he shouldn't be so method. Tell him to do this at home before he gets to the theatre. No one needs to see that in the green room. 2) During the sex scene, grab a mouse trap that you have secretly placed within arms reach. When the offensive little member hits you, let the trap spring into action. He will never get an erection around you or any woman again. 3) If mutilation isn't your bag, fuck with his head. You are a theatre chick, right? Right. Well get creative. Go to the kitchen and whip up a batch of fake blood. Place the fake blood in a zip lock bag and put it in your underpants. Then, when he begins the Penis poking problem..heh... you open up the bag and let loose the floodgates. Start screaming like he stabbed you and cry out "I was a virgin!" this will make other people laugh and make him lose his erection in a very speedy manner. Talk this over with your stage manager, so they can have some cleaning supplies at the ready. 4) That last one was kind of gross. If you are touchy about being called 'bloody mary' for the rest of the run of the show, you can try this: when his problematic penis starts poking you, stop the scene and punch him in the face. Call him a pervert and then cut off his dick. You may go to jail for a while, but you will get a lot of press and become the subject of a trivial pursuit question. 5) Tell him offstage just before the scene that you are really into him, and that you wish it were real. Also mention that you want to call him Cheryl. Tell him that it is your father's middle name and that you like it kinky and really fucking weird. I gave similar advice to a plant just yesterday. During the scene, whisper that you'd like to see him in a pretty dress with flowers on it, and use the name Cheryl before every sentence. 'Cheryl, I think that the war in Iraq is wrong' 'Cheryl, I think I forgot to turn off the TV before I left for rehearsal' 'Cheryl, I'm pregnant with your little Cheryl babies. We should call each of them Cheryl, Cheryl.' When he thinks you are sufficiently fucked up in the head, he will lose his wood, because sex with a crazy girl isn't worth it. I'm just kidding, of course it is. Poked, I think you need to take a few minutes and try to put yourself in his shoes. After all, he is just a man. Men are silly and think about sex a lot. And when you are acting like you are having sex, it's kind of like all the dry humping we all used to do in Junior High. You could talk to the director too, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of this. I really stand by my #5 suggestion. I know that you have been helped. And I will sleep better tonight with the thought that I have solved your penis poking problem. Damn. You're screwed. Just kidding! Cut his dick off! Stay Awesome, Poked! Your most valued member, Yes Andy!

Eight, Eight, The burning Eight.

The fact that eight people had need of advice is astounding enough.

And the fact that I have more help to give is proof that there are gods out there who love us. Because they made me.

-Y.A.!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Putting the green in...Something green. Current mood:Digging life's garden. It's a little wild and a little strange…When you make your home out on the range… Hey Dude(s)! The train keeps on rolling down the track with this little ditty from the swinging streets of Uptown. It seems the world's most eligible foliage needs some guidance. And guidance he shall receive. IN ABUNDANCE.Enjoy. The names have not been changed due to the fact that it is a plant. Keep it coming, folks. I'm here for you. Dear Yes, Andy!, I have a problem that I hope you can help me with: I slept with a girl the other night and now she wants to be my girlfriend. But I can't be havin' a girlfriend, man. I'm motherfuckin' Steven Seagal, the swinginest Spathiphyllum in all of Uptown. I don't want no girl following me around and shit. What do I do? sincerely, "Peeved and Leaved" Dear 'Peeved and Leaved', Hell if I know, but if I were a botanist (which I am), I would sit you on my knee and give you an emotional pruning that you won't soon forget. So. You are a plant. Named Steven Seagal. Ok. I can work with that. And by the looks of things, so can all the ladies in fucked up sexual perversion land.If I live to be a 100, I won't be able to work out the logistics of how a plant can type; know its own genus name; sleep with girls and not know how to let her down easy. Thank the Norse Gods I am here at 2 in the AM drinking coffee and thinking how to help out. Here are some things you can do to make her think you are not 'all that' and that she needs to move on and work on her people skills. 1) Though your name is Steven Seagal, she might think that you are the actual Steven Seagal: Highly acclaimed movie star and martial arts enthusiast. Take a trip to the local Bollywood video and pick up 'Under Siege 2' Invite her over, and make her watch it. That alone will make her run for the hills, because you will tell her that it is your favourite movie. Everyone will laugh, including the studio audience, because we all know that 'Hard to Kill' was the fucking bomb. 2) Tell her that you have some form of plant herpes or cholera. 3) Pee with the door open. Most women do not like this, and it makes them think you are a savage beast. If this does not work, you should sneak into the bathroom after she uses it and put the toilet seat up. Every time. And then scream at her. She will get confused and after a while she will think it is her fault. Then you sit her down and tell her you are not into chicks that pee standing up. 4) Insist on calling her Cheryl. Tell her it was your Mother's middle name and it makes you really horny. Also, start calling every woman you meet when you are around this girl Cheryl too. After a while, start sighing loudly after you say the name. In fact, after a few days, start calling guys Cheryl. Then start barking or something. 5) Tell her that your sun rises and sets with her, but that you are super scared of the sun, because it is a giant ball of fire that threatens to consume your world. If she is nice at all, she will not want to scare you anymore. Being scary is no good in relationships. Steven, I know this may be hard for you to accept, but everyone has a shelf life. You might want to consider settling down and starting a family. I'm kidding, Steve! You are a plant! That's just silly. Everyone knows that plants are nature's whores. Plants are sexual predators, and you are just doing what your DNA tells you. I do suggest that you use protection and go to the clinic every six months. I am so glad I could help you, Steven. Remember: You are not just a plant, you are THE plant. Stay Awesome, Steven! Your fertilizer of the soul, Yes Andy!

Seven. The Seventh old advice. Just after six.

MMMM!

I cannot get enough questions, apparently.

It's a good thing I had the wherewithall to help all these folks. I hope they still think of me from time to time.

-Y.A.!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Self absorbed poppycock! Current mood:Right on. Goodevening Masters & Mistresses. I'm a bit backed up in questions, but I will try to tackle them all by the end of this weekend. Bear with me, Yes Andy! is but one man, and no man is an island. This one comes from Poolie. She asked a simple one, which I am going to answer to prove that you don't have to send me deep thoughts, nor do they have to be funny. I'll be funny enough for the both of us. Keep on asking! Dear Yes, Andy!, Since you are a betting man...I'm curious... what are my chances? Dear Poolie, Hell if I know. In fact, I really don't know. Are you fucking with me? I could take this a million different ways, but I always come back to something sexy. They say that men think of sex every 20 or so seconds, I think this is silly, because there are times when I am in a room full of Nuns. It doesn't happen often, but I assure you, it has. And the last thing I was thinking about was doing the freak nasty with a room full of Jesus Penguins. What are your chances? I mean, with me? Pretty damn good if you keep stumping me with this gypsy mind fuck stuff. I think I am blushing. I know I am blushing. I'm a shitty typist and even worse when it comes to grammatical correctness, and you make me go all sdfgoiuhlsrngisngij, sdhgsrihgsr, djfeiodididididi, dhfoidfgdsgfsdgfh: djgfisdifgsdgus&(*&(^%UJ! Did you see how many fucking commas I used in that last phrase? YOU VEX ME, WOMAN! But seriously, Poolie, everyone knows that I am a betting man. I make foolish and rash bets on most things. I never thought the internet would become as big as it did. I never imagined that that kid from 8th grade would be so fragile and actually break a bone. I didn't see American Idol becoming so popular. If I were a handy man, which I am, I would build a love shack where the two of us could meet and drink martinis and eat chocolate off of each others stomachs. But I feel this way for all of my fans, and I am sure a hot little ticket like yourself has been claimed by a man much more virile than myself. In the interest of science and continuity, I give you five things you can do to up your chances with Yes Andy! 1) Being a carbon based bi-ped of the female persuasion helps. You are well on your way to earning a wink and a smile from yours truly. 2) Believe that the only way to approach any kind of project is with massive amounts of passion. Yes Andy! is a very passionate fellow with interests that span the stars. I have never tried shuffleboard or made chocolate eclairs. I feel that anyone who could teach me how to do either is the future Mrs. Yes! Also, Chocolate eclairs are delicious and probably the best thing ever put on the earth to make us, as humans, happy. 3) Don't be racist. Racism is fucking lame. 4) Out drink me. While this is a frivolous activity, I appreciate a woman who can hold her drink. I like Jameson Irish Whiskey, and sample from its supple teat more than anyone should. This is not a good thing, but I don't want you to think that Yes Andy! is in any way shape or form a 'perfect man'. A perfect man does not exist anywhere in the universe. I will anger and dissapoint you, Poolie. Find me anyone who does not have baggage of anykind, and I will give them some of mine, as they are samsonite and of high quality. 5) Swear like a sailor and like kissing. Above all things, these are the ties that bind any brightly shining star to a path along the burning hunk of sweetness that is Yes Andy! In all honestly, Poolie, I didn't know what you meant by your question. I could be way off base, but when you are as confident as I am, you have to assume the best. You threw me for a loop, Poolie. Not many can do that. It might be the cocktail I have been enjoying, or it might be the ding dong of the doorbell of destiny... Who knows? Yes Andy! doesn't like to talk about himself, but this is how I chose to answer your question. I wish you sweet dreams and handcuffs on the bedpost. Stay Awesome, Poolie! Your all you can eat buffet of passion (sans tapeworms), Yes Andy!

Old number six.

Sometimes I am in awe of how much the world needs me. If I have a child, I hope it is with every single one of you, so none of you have to worry anymore.

What?!

I know...

-Y.A.!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I'll get you He-man! Said Ment-or... Current mood:Bubbling over with pop culture.. Hello again, faithful flock of seagulls. Lancy needs some help, and I am all about helping today. And everyday. Keep it coming, I don't go out of the house except to drink and chew bubblegum. (my social life is lacking, you see...) Dearest Yes Andy! I am currently living in Thesis Hell. My mentor has been unclear with me from the start as to what she wanted, then last weekend decided she needed more specifics, after telling me in the beginning of the semester that this was just supposed to be "a game plan" no designing necessary yet. *coughs out the word bullshit* I have pulled the proverbial rabbit from the hat and given her the specifics she wants. After sending her an email pretty much saying, WTF, I'm not prepared for this, you didn't tell me this shit months ago, that is. But I digress, my current problem is that now, everytime I send her a new draft with her LAST edits and requests, she has MORE FREAKING EDITS. I am a good writer according to all of my past professors. She just keeps changing her mind about the way that SHE wants things. I have decided to do ONE more round of edits today and that is it. I don't get a grade on this really and it's not like they ever say, "no you can't do this project, your prospectus sucks!" It was originally due today, but after realizing that she'd been unclear with me, she gave me the option of an extension into January, now she tells me that I don't have to have it in until Monday. I would like to finish this so that I can enjoy the holiday, but I know if I email it to her she will send it back with more edits. If I don't email her til Sunday she will know I am avoiding sending it to her. How do I handle this? I can always mail it to her tonight and say, "This is my Final Answer, Regis," but that seems kinda rude. Help, me Andy-wan Kenobi! You're my only hope! Dear Lancy, Hell if I know, but if I were your mentor, I'd try to remember that no matter what, there will always be re-writes and edits. And what is a mentor? To me, a mentor is someone who gently guides you along the path you yourself have chosen. They believe in you no matter what, and know that you have the chops to make it. They also probably have been in the same position you are in now, and are in a place where you want to be in the future. However your Mentor sounds more like a 'Ment-Or'. A Ment-Or is one of Skeletor's minions and tries to defeat He-Man at every turn. Ment-or isn't someone you need around. Not when you have the power of GraySkull when it comes to writing. Trust your instincts, Lancy, they are all you have in your quest to defeat evil. SInce Yes Andy! doesn't believe in guns, you must learn to use your brain to conquer your new nemesis. Ment-Or should have some turkey tomorrow. Invite her over and slip some Whiskey in her nog or whatever you southern ladies drink during turkey day. (Mint Juleps?) Tell her she needs to loosen up and let the little bird fly solo. You know you are a good writer. She probably knows this too. Hell, I wish I had you leaning over my shoulder to correct all the spelling and grammatical errors I commit in any given blog. Here are 5 ways to break it to her that you are mad as hell and not going o take it anymore: 1) If she isn't available for Thanksgiving dinner, and/or you don't wish to subject your family to her nagging about "just a few more thoughts" about your paper over the pumpkin pie, try sending her the finished product on Friday nght. If she is like most people, she will be too tired from shopping to worry about it. How was that for a comma splice? See, I need you spell/grammar check. I need you bad... 2) Do you know where she lives? If not, tell her that I do. This should frighten her into cutting you a little slack. Also, let her know that if she doesn't back off a little, I will end her. 3) Instead of calling her 'Mentor', call her 'De-Mentor'. Heh. See? It's like she is that thing from Harry Potter that sucks your head and makes you sad. No one wants to be one of those. They are scary, and that insult would make her cool again. 4) Play a game with her. Invite her over for a meeting. Tell her that you are meeting her at a coffeeshop. Provided she doesn't know where she lives, give her directions to your house. when she asks why this coffeeshop has pictures of you lying around and looks like someone's house, bonk her on the head and then while she is passed out take her to a REAL coffeeshop. She will be confused and scared (because you pretend like nothing is wrong). Ok, now right before she wakes up, you get her her favourite coffeedrink and you get one for yourself too. Drink about half of hers and get yours in a to go cup. She will ask 'What happened' you just tell her 'thank you so much for finishing up the editing. I think it's perfect too. Just like you said before you dozed off.' Get up and leave. This is probably your best bet, but there is still number 5. 5) Go to a karaoke bar and sing with her. Get her super drunk and tell her that her voice is just like Stevie Nicks. She should sing 'landslide'. As the lyrics make her re-think her life, she will probably realize that she was really harsh on your thesis. And that she needs to call her family and re-build bridges that were burned years ago. Your thesis will be the least of her worries. She has to go and find herself... Lancy, you are a good writer. I'm a betting man, as we all know, so I put all of my wooden nickels on your thesis being just right. As it is, right this minute. Don't change a thing. You need to go to a store on friday when the sales are super good, and buy yourself something nice. Something that makes you feel sexy. I find that buying a new shirt makes me feel like I can do anything, like stand up to some Mentor bully who eats crap for breakfast. You have a great Thanksgiving, and be thankful that I am here for you anytime you need it. Send the Thesis on Sunday. You work too hard and need a foot rub. Also, Sweet potato's are fucking great, am I right?! NO MORE EDITS! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL FIRST! Stay Awesome, Lancy! Yes Andy!

This stuff is good. I should have written a book.

Remember, these are old advice. I've been gone a while.

-Y.A.!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I'll inspire you. I'll inspire you right to the moon. Current mood:A little sniffle. A sniffle of badass! Hello citizens of FunkyTown, Boy howdy! Ask and you shall recieve, huh?! I wanted questions, and you gave them to me in abundance! It might take me a day or two to answer everything, as it is a holiday and I have to get my sweet potato groove on. You can dig it. This next one comes from Parker. Enjoy, and keep spreading the word! Dear Yes Andy! My name is Parker. I've seen you around. Anyway, my question has to do with my life. Currently, I'm involved in a go nowhere job that I'm only working because of the "security" in a steady-paycheck and the benefits – which are nice – but the job is truly pointless. In fact, I'm writing to you as I am at my desk at work – "working." I understand the significance of the job in my life, as I'm hoping to go to school on this company's dollar – but I'm nearly the end of my proverbial rope… I said I've seen you around. I saw that you directed, wrote, starred-in, produced, designed, and sang-in JAWS: The Musical. Not to mention marketing the show to make it a success each year… Anyway, my question is: how did you do it all? Where did you find the energy and drive and ability to sidestep the naysayers (even if they were only in your own head)? How did you get your work out there? How do you continue to get your work out there to grow as an artist in your community? Please tell me how you do it. I want to do it too. I feel I have tons of stories and I'm worried if I don't get them out of my head, I'll regret it for the rest of my days. Should I go to Iraq? Waiting for your Wisdom, Parker Parker, Hell if I know, but I think that you have more power over your situation than you think. Yes Andy! once was at a job where they had me take staples out of documents so they could be scanned. I sat in a desk with a staple remover, a big stack of documents and another stack of separator sheets. I did this for 8 hours. Every day. Counting the clock ticks until I heard the alarm go off. It sucked. I started putting all of my pulled staples into some empty starbucks cups. I filled two of them in the last three weeks of that job. My goal was to keep all of the staples and make a sculpture with them. The sculpture would be a monument to the people who endure all the shit to do what they love and also to help me stave off madness. I also took a lot of smoke breaks. Everybody is working a job or has worked a job that drains thier soul and makes them softly weep so the person in the cube next to them doesnt hear. You feel like you have sold out, right? Fuck that, Parker. You haven't sold out. You are playing them like a fiddle in the Smokie Mountains. You use the internet at work to get advice from some guy who is unemployed! I wish I had your gig. You have it great! You have financial stability, even though it may seem rocky at times. Here's what I think you should do: 1) Instead of using the internet, how about use your down time to plan your next move. Steal a notebook from the supply closet and maybe a box of super nice pens that offices usually have. I like those gel ones with the thick black ink. Those work so nice... Make a list of all the things you want to do. Things you want to perform. People you want to work with. Got that list going? Move on to #2. 2) See that list you made of people you want to work with? Chances are, they are is an office right now, surfing the net, waiting for something interesting to happen. They hate the office life too. They are riding a filament that's about to break too. Maybe it's the guy in the desk next to you? Who knows? I know it won't be you Parker, unless you ask. You develop an army of people you trust to share your fellings, thought and dreams with. THis Army will continue to grow and become stronger and filled with all sorts of people who can help you attain any goal you want. Everyone has talents, Parker. Even frat boys. And I have little good to say about frat boys. Surround yourself with people who will inspire you. I call people on my list my KISS ARMY. You can call yours that too if you like. I didn't make it up. 3) You go to school on your company's dime. Do it. What are you waiting for? The biggest obstacle for anyone who wants to do things that are creative is that they tend to make excuses for everything. I know I'm guilty. All people are. If they try to lie to you and say they are not, they are a jerk and you should slap them. Or get them the hell off of your kiss army list. No excuses. Like that song says: 'Sha Na Na Na Na Na Live for Today...' There is more to that song, but I forget... 4) Open mic nights. These are designed to help you test out stuff that you have done so far. Usually held at a bar, or coffee shop. There are people who will laugh at this idea because it has been labeled as something comical from movies or TV. Not the case. People will only make fun of you because they dont have the balls to go out and try it themselves. You have the balls, Parker. They are made of steel. 5) You said you have stories. Let's see them. What's this?! The internet has places to put these stories so people can read them? !!! Stop poking the internet with a curiosity stick and use it as the tool it is! Everybody and his brother is on myspace. Make up some new profile. Devote it to your writings. If Yes Andy! can do it, I know for a gods honest that you can too. Parker, You have to understand that part of #3 in your five things is super true. (And I can't ge tthat song out of my head.) Excuses are what is going to keep you from doing what you want. The day job is just to pay the bills. You get healthcare from these people, keep them happy so you can do the things you want after work. Take the staples out of the paper. Write lists. Just write daily! This is a good start. If you have friends you can rely on to cheer you on, or if you are lucky enough to know the affection of a good woman(or man) you have everything you need to step outside and let the world know you mean business. I honestly don't think you need my help or advice. I make mistakes daily. We all do. I'm just hoping I put a smile of a couple of faces. Then I know I'll have done good work today. Now if only I could get paid for this shit... But I can't. I have to get an office job too. It's a necessary evil. And we all make up this life stuff as we go along. So you make up stuff as you go along too. Your job allows time for it if you can sit at your computer and read whatever cryptic nonsense I write. Now you have the power and confidence to do what you want. Go! Write! Now! If not now, maybe later after you eat all the doughnuts in the break room. Damn. Doughnuts are good. I like the ones with custard inside. As for JAWS The Musical, and you having seen me around, I think you are referring to my twin brother, Andy Brynildson. (I don't go out much) He has a myspace page too. And he is on my friends list. He doesn't give out advice like I do, but I know he follows what I say to the fucking letter. I'll let him know that you said nice things about his work. He just does what i tell him to do and understands that life is all about choices. Saying yes to one thing and no to another. You make choices too, Parker. I'm sure they will be pretty good ones. Also, isn't it odd that my mom named us both Andy? I should ask her why sometime. While I'm thinking of it, don't go to Iraq. There is a war going on there. Go to London or Amsterdam. They have great doughnuts. Stay Awesome, Parker! Your friend at the end of the bar, Yes Andy!

Another one?! Heck yes!

I'm gonna stop writing stuff before these older posts. I'm getting a cramp, and I want to make a drink.

Hope you are liking them, though. Newer stuff to come!

-Y.A.!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Are you testing me? Well, I pass! Current mood:Over the Moon. Dearest Ones, I am still here, but the messages have been drying up the last couple of days. Remember to gently suggest that your friends come and ask me things. I will hug them with words, kiss them with wisdom and make them pregnant with insight. I am your brother from another mother. Trust me, I'm yours. Here is tonight's messageFrom a girl named Minnie: Dear Yes Andy! I am supposed to be studying for a really big, really important test right now, my future kinda sorta depends on this test. The problem is I have the attention span of a 2 year old. Instead of studying I am mindlessly surfing the 'net and reading blogs. Any advice on how to focus and get back to studying --instead of reading the YES, ANDY! blog? ;) Holla, Minnie. Hell if I know, but I think reading this blog is the least of your worries. I try not to put all my eggs in a basket and then ride a roller coaster that is called "MY OWN PERSONAL ARMAGEDDON COMES IN THE FORM OF A TEST". You seem to have already bought your ticket for the theme park of the damned, so I'll help you. Probably because you are so flippin' cute, and I am a sucker for Betty Davis eyes... Or so I assume. Yes Andy! doesn't kiss and tell. Unless you ask me a question about how I kiss. But this is for another night. So a big test, huh? I think we can all agree that they are a big honkin' drag. A wiser person than myself once said that 'Education is EVERYTHING". So I applaud your moxie for taking a quiz that determines the fate of how much you are smiling the next day. And for days to come. Like I said, I'm a betting man. In casinos, I will always lose, but in life, I am a rich man. You are not alone in having the attention span of a 2 year old, Minnie. I just saw something shiney and followed it around my house for an hour before I started this next sentence. I think coffee helps. Coffee at all hours of the day. My flatmate (to use a british term) thinks I am crazy to be brewing a pot of dark roast at 9pm. I think he is crazy to not join in. I have fun. And I'll pass any test they throw at me if the subject is being awesome. Damnit. You had something you needed answered.... Test... Important... Advice... Yes, Andy! thinks you should sit down with your books whenever you get a free minute. However, don't cram for long hours, Minnie. That will make you really stupid, and you will forget everything you have read. Your five things are as follows: 1) 10 minute bursts. This is key. Keep telling yourself "10 Minute Bursts" What I mean is, sit down and read your matrial for 10 clicks. then take a break. Smoke a smoke, watch some youTube, read a blog. Distract yourself for a few minutes. Then go back and read some more. You will find that you retain more and you don't notice the time fly by. You might also start seeing some funny things on the internet. Like those bunnies that do movies in 30 seconds. That shit is great. Check out angryalien.com and laugh for a bit. 2) You are a smart girl, so grab the nearest male friend you have (or a lady friend with strong fingers) and get a backrub. You probably are super tense if this test means so much to your future. You need to get the knots out. They contain little demons that eat brain matter when you sleep. I have tried to exorcise these minions of satan using the necronomicon, but villiages of the damned aside, back rubs work wonders. 3) Flash cards. Make them. A lot of them. Only sneak in some cards that are really simple. Like what the spanish word for water is. Everyone knows it's "WAAA-WAAAA" Helen Keller taught us so much. When you get the super easy ones right, you will feel more confident. Feeling confident is cool. 4) Throw darts at pictures of people who are successful, but did not have to work hard at being so. You don't see them taking a test that makes demon stress knots in thier backs. No, you throw those sharp pointy things at Paris Hilton, and with every hit, you visualize how much she cries at night when the drugs wear off, and imagine you can hear her cries at the loss of any kind of sparkle in her eye that once resembled a future. You have more verve in your pinky finger than she has dollars in the trust fund. 5) Every morning before your test, eat a really good breakfast. I'm talking balanced, sweetie. No one really does this. Not even in the commeercials. People are in it for the frosting on the pop tart or the marshmallows in the Haagen Daaz. SO you eat a balanced break of the fast, and you grow big and strong like the amazon queen you are inside. Because Amazons are super hot. And the day before your test, you skip the most important meal. Ok? Stay with me... See, you are tricking your body and brain into thinking you don't care anymore. Your body will be like "what the fuck? I want my OJ." and your brain will be all "What the fuck? I want some OJ too" But the day of your test, you eat the balanced B-fast, and right on cue, your brain and body will be like Popeye on spinach laced with moon crack. And Moon crack is better because it's from the moon. Then you will do great on your test. So when it boils right down to it, Minnie, you aren't taking the test. The test is taking you. Taking you on a road to the biggest future you could imagine. Just think of the really great grade or number you think you are capable of getting on your worst day. Got it? Ok. Now I need you to take that score, divide it by half. After than, multipy by 20. Then add 5. Ok, now divide it by 4. Awesome. Now I need you to realize that what I am trying to do is distract you from freaking out, because you have nothing to worry about. Your brain is powerful. I can feel it working from here. All you need to do is make sure you look in the mirror everyday and say "FUCK YEAH!" and then point at your reflection and wink. It is better than any balanced breakfast. Except for the marshmallows... Stay Awesome, Minnie! You get an 'A' for the future! Yours in blood, Yes Andy!

Old advice number three

Whoo!

I should try an be less long winded, but it's just how they wired me at the factory, you know?

Keep reading, and hopefully you are thinking of questions you know I can help you with.

-Y.A.!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Raging on the road to vengeance. Current mood:Flippin' sweet. Hello, my apple dumpling gang. This message comes from a girl named Benny. I changed her name to avoid litigation, in case she does what I tell her to do. I am an idea man. You choose the follow through. I have to note that the first two questions in this site were from females. I have to say that I am shocked, delighted, and still single. I did think that my first questions would be from guys, because they fuck up thier lives so easily and often. And so I bring you help number two... Dear, YES ANDY! I have road rage and some days its worse than others. Everytime someone forgets to use their turn signal, All I can think about is running them off the road, snapping off the turn signal bar and beating them with it. I am normally a peace loving, live and let live kinda gal. But it's as if I am possessed when behind the wheel. What kinda of things could I think about or do while driving that could maybe relax me? You know, other than smoking, yelling and flipping people off. I am longing for and missing that "Sunday Drive" feel. Dear Benny, Hell if I know, but so far, I like your attitude. Attitude will get you places in this messed up world we live in. It will also get you 10 to life in a federal pen if you do what your first instinct is when drivers piss you off. Rule number one, and this is before they teach you the ABC's or how to share coloured plastic toys: People are big fuck off jerks when they get behind the wheel of a horseless buggy. If I were driving, and some jerk hole flipped the wrong switch, I'd pull a knife on them and cut thier belly. But I am not driving. You are. And since you don't have a knife on you like Yes, Andy! does, I will give you five ways to calm your shit down. Enjoy. 1) The calming effect of Pot is one that I endorse. In fact, when I smoke the reefer, I get sleepy and forget to drive anywhere. Or I start watching a movie, which you cannot do while driving anyway. Unless you are in one of those SUV's with the lcd displays in the seats. In which case you are part of the problem, and should be pulled over, not for smoking pot or watching a movie, but for being an asshole with lcd screens in your car. Donate money to charity, you dick. Pot is, and always will be natures way of saying: 'Dude, take a break. Eat a twinkie. You deserve it' Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah. Number 2. 2) Try counting to 300,000. While this is not an impossible task, you will find that is is mentally taxing and you end up angrier than you would be if the old lady in front of you is doing 35 in a 65 zone. This allows you to put things into perspective, and you end up happier somehow. 3) Own at least one album by the following bands, and keep them in your glove box to play at a moments notice. Queen, The Beach Boys, Aerosmith, Negativeland, The Rolling Stones. These albums have things called 'songs' on them. Songs are meant to be sung along to, and singing makes you happy. Even if you suck at it. 4) Red rope licorice isn't just a good idea on paper. It is a fucking awesome idea in your tummy. There is not one thing that can piss you off on your morning or afternoon commute that red rope licorice cannot make better. That shit is fucking unbelievable. Garth from Wayne's World had his shit together. Also, listen to Bohemian Rhapsody while you are eating it. That movie is funny. 5) Drive naked. This may be hard at first, but once it becomes part of your routine, you will find that drive time is sexy time. And who doesn't like times that are sexy? Or Wayne's World? Seriously?! Benny, you can do other things too. Road bingo. Always a hit. Or you could only drive on Sundays. Then you would get that Sunday drive feel without any artificial flavour. Here in Minneapolis, we have a huge parkway system that takes like two hours to drive all the way around. Moving here is always an option, because the drivers don't look at you differently when you are driving naked. They don't even make eye contact with you, it isn't polite. I sure am glad I could help you and answer your question with detailed brilliance. Tell your other myspace friends that I'm here and that I helped you change your life for the better. Now go get naked and grab the keys! Stay Awesome, Benny! Your Dream Man, Yes, Andy!