Did you think I forgot about my duties as an Advice Doctor?
Heck no! I was checking my inbox one hundred times a day, hoping against hope that somebody needed my help. Instead, all I got were coupons from RedBox and Bucca Di Beppo.
It seems that the only help needed out there in the interweb was my own manhood, as I also got a lot of offers to make my junk bigger, and lots of shopping sprees at Walmart. Since YesAndy doesn't need Walmart to make my penis the size of a laundry hamper, I sat alone in the YesAndy Headquarters and plotted my revenge.
And I also went to Bucca Di Beppo and watched dollar new releases until my inbox told me someone needed me.
And helping people is what makes my manhood bigger, people.
So this little ditty from one of our younger readers came the other day. And now, I invite you to see the healing process begin again.
Remember to ask me questions, and I will answer. Hopefully this dry spell will be an isolated incident. I can only eat so much pasta, and I have already watched 'Baby Mama' 15 times.*
So Let's help some Mo-Fo's shall we?
I am writing to express my shock and dismay at the deeply offensive content of your February 5th post.
As a thirteen year old, I found your insensitivity towards people in this most delicate stage of life appalling.
So my question to you is this:
Hey butthead, why are you such a butthead?
-Li'l Petey Jenkins
Dear "Li'l Petey Jenkins",
Who in the most holy land of "What The Fuck" do you think you are?!
I will reach into the Interweb SuperhighwayNet and choke you till your balls pop out of your ears. The pain you will experience by my hands will be like watching 'Bring it on again' in slo motion with sped up French Subtitles for all eternity. And also, you will be on fire.
I'm gonna make you bleed, Fuck-O.
Santa Claus is coming to your house and slapping you across the face with his imaginary dick. And then he will steal your family and....Jesus you piss me off, Kid.
And now my calmed down response:
Hell if I know, Mr. Man. If I were a mean and vengeful God (Which I am) I would make time travel possible for one time only and go back not to kill hitler, or stop a bullet from killing a very important historical figure (ie- MLK Jr or JFK or RFK or Lincoln) No, Petey, I would go back in time and punch your Mom in the belly while you were in the womb and make your stupid ass face retarded.
Oh wait. It seems I have already done that.
Eat a dick, Petey. Eat. A. Dick.
And now the real response:
Dear Li'l Petey,
Hey Man, I'm super sorry that my truth hurts your feelings. I totally feel for you, being in the early part of adolescent development. I've been there, Dude, and I know it can be a really tough place to be. I might have been too harsh to that kid who liked to Jerk off to women wearing headsets (Read the post: 'Yay, PORN! Do I have your attention' Feb 4th, 2009).
I might have said a few things that I regret. Maybe we should spend this YesAndy! column thinking about how we can build trust and learn tolerance and understanding. Perhaps build a lasting bridge between different generations and heal together.
Or, Petey, you could gingerly go fuck yourself and start your own advice column.
Here are five things that will prove that you are stupid:
1) Your name. 'Li'l petey Jenkins' What are you, standing on a street corner selling papers in the '20's? Is that what they called you in the Sanitarium when you were fighting off the Consumption? Is your girlfriend 'Little Orphan Annie' or do you take your best girl Friday to see the new Shirley Temple Talkie and talk about where the best place is to do the Charleston over a Saspirilla? Try changing your name to "Duke Beefheart ManlyMan" or
"Johnson Dragon Hellyeah" Those are real men's names. Then I will take you seriously for like a half second.
2) Stop crying for Argentina, Little Girl. I'll have you know that when the kid I helped last time read the advice I gave him, his life was changed for the better.
He sent me a note:
Thank you for helping me by answering my cries last time.
After I read what you wrote me, I went out and got a job
wrestling wild boars for food and sport. Also, I have sex
all the time because of what you said.
You are my hero.
That one guy I helped last time
3) So you were shocked and dismayed, huh? Shocked because I helped the shit out of people? It's what I do, kid. I am here for nothing more than to be the Guiding Light and the General Hospital people need to keep the blood flowing.
Are you dismayed by the fact that I have a Doctorate in Beating you up? Because I am prescribing all of my readers to punching the next 13 year old name 'Li'l Petey' that they meet.
Punch until satisfied, and call me in the morning.
God, Teenagers suck.
4) Butthead. You called me a Butthead. There are certain societies that encourage the exchange of money for love. You might notice that your parents get a little short with you towards the end of the months. It isn't because of the lunar cycle, Petey, it's because they have not recieved their check from the government for being your parents. Your parents are being paid to like you, Petey. In fact, all of your little friends from your figgy pudding private school in the hamptons get paid too. When you are in gym class, you might notice the teacher handing out twenty dollar bills to the team that has to pick you in dodge ball. She isn't a gym teacher, Petey, she is an accountant. Everyone around you is being paid to be around you.
5) You don't even get a number five, you dork.
So hey, Petey, No hard feelings, huh? I'm sure you are a cool kid with a lot of dreams and big ideas. You keep shooting for those stars and keep chasing dragons or rainbows or whatever 13 year old girls chase. You and I are now cool again.
I think next time, I will be answering a question and dolling out advice to an adult. And adult woman who likes it when I talk sexy wisdom.
So ladies, please send me your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org there is a link in the upper right corner of the page.
See you next time, and Petey: Eat your vegetables and always have deodorant/antiperspirant on you at all times until you are 21. After that, switch to just deodorant. There is aluminum in the antiperspirant that can contribute to altzheimers. And also, remember that masturbating is evil and if you do it, everyone will know. Everyone.
Your friend and Mentor,
*Just kidding. I've never seen that movie. I only watch porn and episodes of House.**
** The HELL I watch House!***
*** I totally watch House.