Thursday, February 26, 2009

One in which YesAndy! gets a little mean.

Like the Obese Albert says: Hey Hey Hey, my little bitches.
Did you think I forgot about my duties as an Advice Doctor?
Heck no! I was checking my inbox one hundred times a day, hoping against hope that somebody needed my help. Instead, all I got were coupons from RedBox and Bucca Di Beppo.
It seems that the only help needed out there in the interweb was my own manhood, as I also got a lot of offers to make my junk bigger, and lots of shopping sprees at Walmart. Since YesAndy doesn't need Walmart to make my penis the size of a laundry hamper, I sat alone in the YesAndy Headquarters and plotted my revenge.
And I also went to Bucca Di Beppo and watched dollar new releases until my inbox told me someone needed me.
And helping people is what makes my manhood bigger, people.
So this little ditty from one of our younger readers came the other day. And now, I invite you to see the healing process begin again.
Remember to ask me questions, and I will answer. Hopefully this dry spell will be an isolated incident. I can only eat so much pasta, and I have already watched 'Baby Mama' 15 times.*
So Let's help some Mo-Fo's shall we?

Dear YesAndy,

I am writing to express my shock and dismay at the deeply offensive content of your February 5th post.
As a thirteen year old, I found your insensitivity towards people in this most delicate stage of life appalling.
So my question to you is this:
Hey butthead, why are you such a butthead?

-Li'l Petey Jenkins

Dear "Li'l Petey Jenkins",

Who in the most holy land of "What The Fuck" do you think you are?!
I will reach into the Interweb SuperhighwayNet and choke you till your balls pop out of your ears. The pain you will experience by my hands will be like watching 'Bring it on again' in slo motion with sped up French Subtitles for all eternity. And also, you will be on fire.
I'm gonna make you bleed, Fuck-O.
Santa Claus is coming to your house and slapping you across the face with his imaginary dick. And then he will steal your family and....Jesus you piss me off, Kid.


And now my calmed down response:

Dear Petey,
Hell if I know, Mr. Man. If I were a mean and vengeful God (Which I am) I would make time travel possible for one time only and go back not to kill hitler, or stop a bullet from killing a very important historical figure (ie- MLK Jr or JFK or RFK or Lincoln) No, Petey, I would go back in time and punch your Mom in the belly while you were in the womb and make your stupid ass face retarded.
Oh wait. It seems I have already done that.

Eat a dick, Petey. Eat. A. Dick.

Your friend,

And now the real response:

Dear Li'l Petey,

Hey Man, I'm super sorry that my truth hurts your feelings. I totally feel for you, being in the early part of adolescent development. I've been there, Dude, and I know it can be a really tough place to be. I might have been too harsh to that kid who liked to Jerk off to women wearing headsets (Read the post: 'Yay, PORN! Do I have your attention' Feb 4th, 2009).
I might have said a few things that I regret. Maybe we should spend this YesAndy! column thinking about how we can build trust and learn tolerance and understanding. Perhaps build a lasting bridge between different generations and heal together.
Or, Petey, you could gingerly go fuck yourself and start your own advice column.

Here are five things that will prove that you are stupid:

1) Your name. 'Li'l petey Jenkins' What are you, standing on a street corner selling papers in the '20's? Is that what they called you in the Sanitarium when you were fighting off the Consumption? Is your girlfriend 'Little Orphan Annie' or do you take your best girl Friday to see the new Shirley Temple Talkie and talk about where the best place is to do the Charleston over a Saspirilla? Try changing your name to "Duke Beefheart ManlyMan" or
"Johnson Dragon Hellyeah" Those are real men's names. Then I will take you seriously for like a half second.

2) Stop crying for Argentina, Little Girl. I'll have you know that when the kid I helped last time read the advice I gave him, his life was changed for the better.
He sent me a note:

Dear YesAndy!
Thank you for helping me by answering my cries last time.
After I read what you wrote me, I went out and got a job
wrestling wild boars for food and sport. Also, I have sex
all the time because of what you said.
You are my hero.
Thanks again,
That one guy I helped last time

3) So you were shocked and dismayed, huh? Shocked because I helped the shit out of people? It's what I do, kid. I am here for nothing more than to be the Guiding Light and the General Hospital people need to keep the blood flowing.
Are you dismayed by the fact that I have a Doctorate in Beating you up? Because I am prescribing all of my readers to punching the next 13 year old name 'Li'l Petey' that they meet.
Punch until satisfied, and call me in the morning.
God, Teenagers suck.

4) Butthead. You called me a Butthead. There are certain societies that encourage the exchange of money for love. You might notice that your parents get a little short with you towards the end of the months. It isn't because of the lunar cycle, Petey, it's because they have not recieved their check from the government for being your parents. Your parents are being paid to like you, Petey. In fact, all of your little friends from your figgy pudding private school in the hamptons get paid too. When you are in gym class, you might notice the teacher handing out twenty dollar bills to the team that has to pick you in dodge ball. She isn't a gym teacher, Petey, she is an accountant. Everyone around you is being paid to be around you.

5) You don't even get a number five, you dork.

So hey, Petey, No hard feelings, huh? I'm sure you are a cool kid with a lot of dreams and big ideas. You keep shooting for those stars and keep chasing dragons or rainbows or whatever 13 year old girls chase. You and I are now cool again.
I think next time, I will be answering a question and dolling out advice to an adult. And adult woman who likes it when I talk sexy wisdom.
So ladies, please send me your questions to there is a link in the upper right corner of the page.

See you next time, and Petey: Eat your vegetables and always have deodorant/antiperspirant on you at all times until you are 21. After that, switch to just deodorant. There is aluminum in the antiperspirant that can contribute to altzheimers. And also, remember that masturbating is evil and if you do it, everyone will know. Everyone.

Your friend and Mentor,

*Just kidding. I've never seen that movie. I only watch porn and episodes of House.**
** The HELL I watch House!***
*** I totally watch House.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Yay Porn! Do I have your attention?

Dear Legions of Doom,

I get some doozies here at YesAndy! Worldwide.
'You People' send me some really thought provoking stuff. Now, I know I provoke your thoughts even more with my responses, and you are most welcome.
However, this next query is more of a cry for help. And I heed the call.
It sounds like 'Dialing for love' needs guidance and a stern talking to. YesAndy! Style.
They write:

Dear YesAndy!
I ran across this site and I am uncomfortable about the feelings that it inspires deep inside of me. I keep thinking, "but this is innocent!" but it sure don't feel innocent. Help.

- dialing for love

Dear Dialing for Love,

Hell if I know, but if I were a Jr. High School Counselor (which I am) I would slap you silly with your Hanna Montenegra trapper keeper.
What are you playing at, Dialing? Did you think I wouldn't know that you scream 'Help me, I am 13 years old and I think my body is changing!' ?
Since I don't like your advice handle, Dialer, I am going to call you 'Corky' from now on.
That's right, just like the dude from Life Goes On.
Let's get some things out into the open, Corky:
-You are not a bad person for getting aroused at some really freaky stuff.
- You are aroused by really freaky stuff.

I looked that the website you sent me on a colleague's computer. I just didn't know where it would take me, and since I knew that my buddy Father Seamus O'Flanahan would have a very secure computing machine, I wasn't worried about spam bots or virus monsters. Whatever the hell you hacker kids are calling it these days. Ok. Truth be told, I just sent the link to my friend. He described it to me via an instant messaging system. That is where you type brief sentences to friends instead of talking to them on the telephone. Or in person. It keeps relationships brief and tidy.
Father Seamus, a Priest on the Catholic side of the street, says that you are going to Hell. But just between you and I, Corky, he says that to everyone.

So. Cork... You like it when the ladies wear the headsets... Ok... Here are some things that popped into my head:

GODMAN6969- What up, YesMan? How's Tricks?
YESANDY00769- Father! How the fuck are you? It's been a while. Turning as always. (Tricks) You?
GODMAN6969- DUDE! Still chasing tail. J/K How's the advice business?
YESANDY00769- It doesn't pay, but it sure is rewarding to help all these people. I'm sure you can dig it.
GODMAN6969- What do you mean? Help People? Whatever. I'm in it for the Benjamins.
YESANDY00769- And all that free wine...
GODMAN6969- Holy shit yeah. I'm kinda buzzed right now. It's still blood, you know. I haven't turned it back.
YES ANDY00769- You mean you used it this morning? I thought you were supposed to chug the stuff you don't use?
GODMAN6969- What, and waste it? This stuff is crazy expensive. In this economy, we are allowed to cut corners. Sometimes I make the parishioners drink Grape Crush. They don't really know the diff
YESANDY00769- MEssed up. Hey, I got a favor to ask.
GODMAN6969- Do it.
YESANDY00769- So this guy writes me a thing and sends a link to some site. Can you take a look at it for me? My computer sucks. And it might be a porn link.
GODMAN6969- No problemo. Send it now. Brb. I gotta pee and grab some more B.O.C.
GODMAN6969- Blood of Christ.
YESANDY00769-How very Blasphemous.
GODMAN6969- Your Mom is Blasphemous. Brb.
YESANDY00769- k. here’s the link, Padre.
GODMAN6969- I’m back. Holla! God Man in the HOUSE!
YESANDY00769- look at the link.
YESANDY00769- Stop using those stupid messaging phrases. You sound like an idiot.
GODMAN6969- Shutup or I’ll send you into purgatory. This link is so lame it hurts.
YESANDY00769- What is it?
GODMAN6969- It’s some screenshots of chicks wearing headsets. Did some 13 year old send this to you?
YESANDY00769- Yeah. I think his name is Corky.
GODMAN6969- Like the kid from the Obladi-Oblada show?
YESANDY00769- Yeah. He feels dirty about liking it. What do you think?
GODMAN6969- I’ve seen some shit in my day, but the little dude has a point.
YESANDY00769- ?
GODMAN6969- These are some hot ladies. j/k He’s going to Hell.
YESANDY00769- You always say that.
GODMAN6969- I mean it this time. This isn’t good porn. I put hotter stuff than this in the church bulletin. What are you gonna tell him?
YESANDY00769- Don’t know. I might send him some private links to other sites.
GODMAN6969-Word. I could send you my favorites.
YESANDY00769- He didn’t say he was into midgets.
GODMAN6969- What about Bullfighting Midgets?
GODMAN6969-LMAO. Seriously. Bullfighting midgets are cool.
YESANDY00769- Nevermind. I don’t want my readers to think that I’m all about the porn.
GODMAN6969- But you are.
YESANDY00769- True, but I don’t want to post links on my page. It sends the wrong idea. I’m still hoping someone with some connections will stumble across this site and give me money for being so clever.
GODMAN6969- Speaking of clever, I saw your Brother the other day.
YESANDY00769- Andrew?
GODMAN6969- No, That dude is Gay. The other one. Dandy.
YESANDY00769- Oh.
GODMAN6969-Yeah, he needed to interview a legit priest for a class.
YESANDY00769- He’s taking seminary really serious. My family is super proud of him. Well, maybe not Andrew
GODMAN6969- How come?
YESANDY00769- You know how he runs that lame ass little show on Monday nights?
GODMAN6969- Sure. Little bastard sends me facebook messages all the damn time for it. Like I would go and see little skits or some shit. They don’t even serve beer. Do you want some coffee with your stand up poetry? Hahahahaha
YESANDY00769- Right. The show isn’t that bad. I think you may be drunk.
GODMAN6969- I think you are correct.
YESANDY00769- So Andrew asks Dandy to host sometimes. He did it a couple weeks ago. Told him to do something about King Lear. Totally bombed.
GODMAN6969- WTF? King Lear?
YESANDY00769- I know, right?! Andrew said NEVER AGAIN.
GODMAN6969- What happened?
YESANDY00769- Dandy Took it the wrong way and punched him in the head.
GODMAN6969- Maybe you should punch Corky in the head.
YESANDY00769- So he starts looking at better porn?
GODMAN6969- Sure. What are his five things gonna be? You still do that? The five bits of wisdom for every question?
YESANDY00769- Yeah, I still do it. Don’t you read it?
GODMAN6969- The site is blocked by our servers.
YESANDY00769- And Porn sites aren’t?
GODMAN6969- Are you kidding me?
YESANDY00769- That pisses me off. How am I going to get the Catholic readers?
GODMAN6969- I’ll slip in some plugs on Sunday. When I’m reading the gospel. It’ll spice things up. With Christmas done, it gets boring until Easter.
YESANDY00769- Thanks. I'm not sure if Corky is going to get five things this time around. Maybe I'll tell him to look up 'YouPorn' That's a good site. They may have some ladies wearing headsets on it.
GODMAN6969- It's odd that Corky gets off on headsets. My secretary wears one, but she is ugly as sin. Maybe Corky could hook up with Mrs. Johnson...What kind of a name is Corky?
YESANDY00769- What kind of a name is Seamus?
GODMAN6969- One of Christ's ninja assassins... I think he was a disciple or something.
YESANDY00769- What?
GODMAN6969- Or he wrote the bible. Yeah.
GODMAN6969- Very. Hey, tell Corky that I think he should google the words ‘Free porn’ He will get the answers he’s in desperate need of.
YESANDY00769- I’ll do that.
GODMAN6969- I gotta go. It’s taco night at the Nun’s house.
YESANDY00769- They do that at my brother’s school.
GODMAN6969- You obviously didn’t catch the joke.
YESANDY00769- What? Oh. Gross.
GODMAN6969- It’s a good thing you don’t post our conversations. I would get into so much trouble.
YESANDY00769- Yeah…
GODMAN6969- And I would kill you.
YESANDY00769- Gotcha.
GODMAN6969- Take it sleazy, Yes-Mandingo. Seriously, tell the Headset nerd to get laid.
YESANDY00769- Will do. Go sleep it off.
GODMAN6969- Eat balls, my son. Peace out.
YESANDY00769- Later.
GODMAN6969- Has signed out of Chat.

So Corky, check out YouPorn. But don't do it at work. You might get busted.
I suggest you also take a look in a mirror and say 'At least I don't like Midget Bullfighters'
I'm glad The Good Father and I were here to help you. You didn't get any five things today because all you really need is to do more websurfing. The interweb is made up of 90% porn, 5% facebook, 4% other stuff and 1% YesAndy!
If you or your little friends have any more need of me, I'll be right here. At my computer. Wearing a headset and nothing else.
You sick fuck.
J/K, Corky. J/K.

Your buddy as we burn in Hell together,