I get some doozies here at YesAndy! Worldwide.
'You People' send me some really thought provoking stuff. Now, I know I provoke your thoughts even more with my responses, and you are most welcome.
However, this next query is more of a cry for help. And I heed the call.
It sounds like 'Dialing for love' needs guidance and a stern talking to. YesAndy! Style.
They write:
Dear YesAndy!
I ran across this site http://www.headsethotties.com/ and I am uncomfortable about the feelings that it inspires deep inside of me. I keep thinking, "but this is innocent!" but it sure don't feel innocent. Help.
- dialing for love
Dear Dialing for Love,
Hell if I know, but if I were a Jr. High School Counselor (which I am) I would slap you silly with your Hanna Montenegra trapper keeper.
What are you playing at, Dialing? Did you think I wouldn't know that you scream 'Help me, I am 13 years old and I think my body is changing!' ?
Since I don't like your advice handle, Dialer, I am going to call you 'Corky' from now on.
That's right, just like the dude from Life Goes On.
Let's get some things out into the open, Corky:
-You are not a bad person for getting aroused at some really freaky stuff.
- You are aroused by really freaky stuff.
I looked that the website you sent me on a colleague's computer. I just didn't know where it would take me, and since I knew that my buddy Father Seamus O'Flanahan would have a very secure computing machine, I wasn't worried about spam bots or virus monsters. Whatever the hell you hacker kids are calling it these days. Ok. Truth be told, I just sent the link to my friend. He described it to me via an instant messaging system. That is where you type brief sentences to friends instead of talking to them on the telephone. Or in person. It keeps relationships brief and tidy.
Father Seamus, a Priest on the Catholic side of the street, says that you are going to Hell. But just between you and I, Corky, he says that to everyone.
So. Cork... You like it when the ladies wear the headsets... Ok... Here are some things that popped into my head:
GODMAN6969- What up, YesMan? How's Tricks?
YESANDY00769- Father! How the fuck are you? It's been a while. Turning as always. (Tricks) You?
GODMAN6969- DUDE! Still chasing tail. J/K How's the advice business?
YESANDY00769- It doesn't pay, but it sure is rewarding to help all these people. I'm sure you can dig it.
GODMAN6969- What do you mean? Help People? Whatever. I'm in it for the Benjamins.
YESANDY00769- And all that free wine...
GODMAN6969- Holy shit yeah. I'm kinda buzzed right now. It's still blood, you know. I haven't turned it back.
YES ANDY00769- You mean you used it this morning? I thought you were supposed to chug the stuff you don't use?
GODMAN6969- What, and waste it? This stuff is crazy expensive. In this economy, we are allowed to cut corners. Sometimes I make the parishioners drink Grape Crush. They don't really know the diff
YESANDY00769- MEssed up. Hey, I got a favor to ask.
GODMAN6969- Do it.
YESANDY00769- So this guy writes me a thing and sends a link to some site. Can you take a look at it for me? My computer sucks. And it might be a porn link.
GODMAN6969- No problemo. Send it now. Brb. I gotta pee and grab some more B.O.C.
YESANDY00769- BOC?
GODMAN6969- Blood of Christ.
YESANDY00769-How very Blasphemous.
GODMAN6969- Your Mom is Blasphemous. Brb.
YESANDY00769- k. here’s the link, Padre. http://www.headsethotties.com/
GODMAN6969- I’m back. Holla! God Man in the HOUSE!
YESANDY00769- look at the link.
GODMAN6969- LOL
YESANDY00769- Stop using those stupid messaging phrases. You sound like an idiot.
GODMAN6969- Shutup or I’ll send you into purgatory. This link is so lame it hurts.
YESANDY00769- What is it?
GODMAN6969- It’s some screenshots of chicks wearing headsets. Did some 13 year old send this to you?
YESANDY00769- Yeah. I think his name is Corky.
GODMAN6969- Like the kid from the Obladi-Oblada show?
YESANDY00769- Yeah. He feels dirty about liking it. What do you think?
GODMAN6969- I’ve seen some shit in my day, but the little dude has a point.
YESANDY00769- ?
GODMAN6969- These are some hot ladies. j/k He’s going to Hell.
YESANDY00769- You always say that.
GODMAN6969- I mean it this time. This isn’t good porn. I put hotter stuff than this in the church bulletin. What are you gonna tell him?
YESANDY00769- Don’t know. I might send him some private links to other sites.
GODMAN6969-Word. I could send you my favorites.
YESANDY00769- He didn’t say he was into midgets.
GODMAN6969- What about Bullfighting Midgets?
YESANDY00769- WTF?
GODMAN6969-LMAO. Seriously. Bullfighting midgets are cool.
YESANDY00769- Nevermind. I don’t want my readers to think that I’m all about the porn.
GODMAN6969- But you are.
YESANDY00769- True, but I don’t want to post links on my page. It sends the wrong idea. I’m still hoping someone with some connections will stumble across this site and give me money for being so clever.
GODMAN6969- Speaking of clever, I saw your Brother the other day.
YESANDY00769- Andrew?
GODMAN6969- No, That dude is Gay. The other one. Dandy.
YESANDY00769- Oh.
GODMAN6969-Yeah, he needed to interview a legit priest for a class.
YESANDY00769- He’s taking seminary really serious. My family is super proud of him. Well, maybe not Andrew
GODMAN6969- How come?
YESANDY00769- You know how he runs that lame ass little show on Monday nights?
GODMAN6969- Sure. Little bastard sends me facebook messages all the damn time for it. Like I would go and see little skits or some shit. They don’t even serve beer. Do you want some coffee with your stand up poetry? Hahahahaha
YESANDY00769- Right. The show isn’t that bad. I think you may be drunk.
GODMAN6969- I think you are correct.
YESANDY00769- So Andrew asks Dandy to host sometimes. He did it a couple weeks ago. Told him to do something about King Lear. Totally bombed.
GODMAN6969- WTF? King Lear?
YESANDY00769- I know, right?! Andrew said NEVER AGAIN.
GODMAN6969- What happened?
YESANDY00769- Dandy Took it the wrong way and punched him in the head.
GODMAN6969- Maybe you should punch Corky in the head.
YESANDY00769- So he starts looking at better porn?
GODMAN6969- Sure. What are his five things gonna be? You still do that? The five bits of wisdom for every question?
YESANDY00769- Yeah, I still do it. Don’t you read it?
GODMAN6969- The site is blocked by our servers.
YESANDY00769- And Porn sites aren’t?
GODMAN6969- Are you kidding me?
YESANDY00769- That pisses me off. How am I going to get the Catholic readers?
GODMAN6969- I’ll slip in some plugs on Sunday. When I’m reading the gospel. It’ll spice things up. With Christmas done, it gets boring until Easter.
YESANDY00769- Thanks. I'm not sure if Corky is going to get five things this time around. Maybe I'll tell him to look up 'YouPorn' That's a good site. They may have some ladies wearing headsets on it.
GODMAN6969- It's odd that Corky gets off on headsets. My secretary wears one, but she is ugly as sin. Maybe Corky could hook up with Mrs. Johnson...What kind of a name is Corky?
YESANDY00769- What kind of a name is Seamus?
GODMAN6969- One of Christ's ninja assassins... I think he was a disciple or something.
YESANDY00769- What?
GODMAN6969- Or he wrote the bible. Yeah.
YESANDY00769- DRUNK!
GODMAN6969- Very. Hey, tell Corky that I think he should google the words ‘Free porn’ He will get the answers he’s in desperate need of.
YESANDY00769- I’ll do that.
GODMAN6969- I gotta go. It’s taco night at the Nun’s house.
YESANDY00769- They do that at my brother’s school.
GODMAN6969- You obviously didn’t catch the joke.
YESANDY00769- What? Oh. Gross.
GODMAN6969- It’s a good thing you don’t post our conversations. I would get into so much trouble.
YESANDY00769- Yeah…
GODMAN6969- And I would kill you.
YESANDY00769- Gotcha.
GODMAN6969- Take it sleazy, Yes-Mandingo. Seriously, tell the Headset nerd to get laid.
YESANDY00769- Will do. Go sleep it off.
GODMAN6969- Eat balls, my son. Peace out.
YESANDY00769- Later.
GODMAN6969- Has signed out of Chat.
I suggest you also take a look in a mirror and say 'At least I don't like Midget Bullfighters'
I'm glad The Good Father and I were here to help you. You didn't get any five things today because all you really need is to do more websurfing. The interweb is made up of 90% porn, 5% facebook, 4% other stuff and 1% YesAndy!
If you or your little friends have any more need of me, I'll be right here. At my computer. Wearing a headset and nothing else.
You sick fuck.
J/K, Corky. J/K.
Your buddy as we burn in Hell together,
YesAndy!
No comments:
Post a Comment