Sunday, December 27, 2009

A Very Gothic YesAndy. So Gothic, it is sunshiny.

Yes, you are correct. It has been a very long time since I took a few precious moments out of my incredibly busy days and nights to tell you how to think and feel.
But I am even more correct when it comes to everything in the world, ever. Period. You are welcome.
Did you miss me?
Come on, do children miss the taste of their first cigarette? Do puppies miss the jello shots you leave around the house like Easter Eggs? Does Han Solo miss the feeling in his legs when encased in carbonite?
I know you know what I mean, and by knowing what you know, I am helping you know yourself. Which I already know, so since knowing is half the battle according to Hasbro, I will spare you the facts regarding my long term absence. Just know this: I didn't stop thinking about you, nor will I ever. In these dark times leading up to the end of days (not a reference to the dreadful Arnold Schwarzenegger movie) I feel all those disturbances in the force and every other nerd reference you people cling on to like eskimo babies on their mother's backs when running from the polar bears of reality.
And since I am making an effort to cut down on the babble and endless tangents I encourage you with, I will be brief.
Welcome to the new YesAndy! For a new and glorious tomorrow. I might be able to tell your future, but I want to help you with your now. Come with me on a journey that will never end with a magic ring dropped into a volcano. Imagine me a king, and I have returned with all my hobbit friends and a troll or something and an attractive elf and I am making the sweetest kind of love to Steven Tyler's daughter.
Where was I going? Oh yes. No more metaphors, and Something about The Return of The King.
We are taking care of Business here at YesAndy HQ. You are glad I am back, and so are you. Dig this hot topic item form a girl who thinks she is a vampire. She calls herself “Black Velvet”. Read on, Dearest angels of music. We are taking a pony ride at the carnival of souls and winning a big stuffed bear that was made in the China of our hearts.

Shadow warrior Princess writes:

Dear YesAndy,
I am a 5th level Mage in the LARP group I am co-founder of. I don't really need your advice, since I can cast bones to reveal my fortune. I want to lay it out there that I am coming to you out of a sense of whimsy, as opposed to a need. I am curious what you would say about people like me.
Hence, my question: How do you keep a secret, when the secret is already known by all and all that needs to be done is to open their night eyes to see the day? Know that my soul is turning 397 years old on January 21st.

Blessed Be,
'Black Velvet'

Dear Black Velvet,
Hell if I should know what you are blathering on about. Sometimes I just think people say words they like and cross their fingers that they might form a sentence. I labeled your file as a 'special need case' because I wanted to hit it right from the get go for my new style of advice-giving. You have more layers to talk about than an over protective Mother puts on a kid going out to play catch with a bowling ball made of knives.
But some things remain true with YesAndy. I hate metaphors.
Black velvet, I am going to start referring to you as Twilight Bullshit Johnson. It just rolls off the tongue better than that over played karaoke song by the woman who thinks she sounds like Stevie Nicks. I know you know who Stevie Nicks is because she is the goddess of all the Cemetery Children of the Night.
There was once a time not too long ago that YesAndy would have pandered to your Voodoo kit stocking stuffer religion. Sadly, that train has sailed away on a flight to 'Shut Up, you stupid Kid-Ville' Population: Only You.
You are a Mage. In a LARP group. Your bravery knows no bounds. In fact, I don't even think you used a pseudonym. Your name is really Black Velvet, isn't it? You probably changed it legally as soon as you turned 18 and the tattoo ink was still wet from the Depeche Mode lyric you got on your hip.
I don't mean to be a negative nelly, You Twilight cliché. This is advice that comes from the heart. And while your heart pumps the blood of the undead, I still can help you. And I will. Here are five things you can dwell on as you sip exotic Tazo tea in a coffeeshop that is probably a Starbucks out of the sheer irony of it all.

ONE- Your riddle of the spinx type question made little sense to anyone, including you. I can hear you gently weeping in the corner of a darkened club, hoping against all hope that someone named Victor will touch your cheek and tell you to come with him on a quest to find meaning in the darkness and to listen to albums in his lair.
I hope Victor finds you soon, because your shelf life is coming to an end, Nosferatu.
Secrets are things that you keep to yourself. Some might say that Secrets are no fun, but those are the ones who the secret is about, and those pants DO make them look fat, and everyone IS looking at them.
As for opening their 'Night eyes' to see the day or whatever BS you cooked up in your freebasing spoon makes me want to watch re-runs of Friends and give According to Jim a try. Go to a mall and buy some pastel colored clothes, you 5th level mess of a human.

TWO- Have I been accurate so far? Yes. I have been. I have helped millions of people reach their potential so far, and your little witless banter email to me will not stop the party bus of YesAndy.
I want you to look into a mirror, assuming you have a reflection, and say that you forgive Jake for kissing Becky at the Homecoming dance. He wasn't into you anyway. Football players are jerks and you are a beautiful person who needs to listen to pop music for a bit. Maybe you can watch some of that Disney Anime about a princess frog. I hear that Claires boutique is hiring in all locations, so a job might lift your spirits. I am not sure what the going rate is for Mage Wizards. Maybe claires could pay you in Doubloons or Dragon scales so you can buy a new dream journal.

THREE- How many bone casting vampire people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The answer is dripping in the blood of a gargoyle whoo ha nonesense nonsense zippity doo look at me I wear black and am an embarrassment to my family!
Come on. Bone casting? I eat bone casting nerds for breakfast. And I drink tarot cards mixed with SHUT UP BLACK VELVET, you have no idea you you are dealing with! Yarr! Oh, but one thing did make sense: You mentioned the word Whimsy. Coming from you, that word is like Satan herself singing I'm a little teapot at an afterschool latchkey program for bunnies. Did it take all your courage to even type the word? Whimsy! It means fun and joy and lighthearted happytimes! Sometimes I don't know if I want to hug you or stab you in the head with one of those decorative swords they sell at Spencers. In the end, I will choose both, but not in the order you are thinking.

FOUR- I want to join your Live Action Role Playing group. Please send me the info I need to start doing this. It sounds like a blast. I'm actually being serious. I have always wanted to do that. I think I would be a wood elf or a battle master troll slayer. Maybe an apothecary who travels around the battlefield with spells and remedies for fallen heroes. My name would be “Thunder- Realm- Vixen- Pleaser- Thermite- Bomb- Tackeon- Pulse- Dave Matthews Band Is Kind Of Ok- Picard. Esquire the Kind and Just.”

Do you wear jerseys? I like the fit of Hockey Jerseys. Just saying. I guess I could be the only one...Don't want to ruffle feathers or horns or whatever you people wear. Sorry. 'You people' might be considered derogatory. I am a team player. Holla.

FIVE- I saved my favorite for last. Thank you, Black Velvet for telling me the age of your soul.
It's a good thing you did, otherwise I would have held back a little too much and you would have learned nothing. Your soul has really seen a lot of very important things. Old souls are usually claimed by girls who secretly find meaning in Britany Spears songs from the late 90's. Sometimes it is an excuse to justify having an affair with a married professor. Someone with Tenure who has a lot to lose if it gets out that they are shagging one of their students. Sadly, I cannot take any soul seriously if it is under 400 years old. And though your soul birthday is coming up in less than a month, I am still going to have to throw up in my mouth a bit because you felt the need to even write that moronic phrase.
Your soul is turning 397. I want to punch a baby right now because you said that.
“I am 16, and my boyfriend is 24. it's ok because I have an old soul. He gets me...”
No. Your skeezy statutory rapist boyfriend can't get girls his own age. Or he buys you root beer Schnapps and cigarettes. He doesn't “get you” Ugh. Gross. He probably wears gold chains and has a silly caterpillar fuzz mustache that he thinks makes him look hardcore.
Ladies, if you say you have an 'Old Soul' I hope you get rabies and inadequate medical attention. The same goes for boys.

So Black Velvet... I can honestly say that I hate you. But amidst all my distaste for 'You People' I know that there are things that made your ears perk up like a German shepherd. If anyone understand you, it is me. And with the wisdom you have now, you can start living the life of a daywalker.
Vampires don't sparkle, and Mormons don't write about relationships with the undead well. Ergo, please stop reading the twilight series and sending women back 50 years.
And never ever ever sing Black Velvet at a Karaoke Bar. It's like Singing Love Shack anytime ever or explaining how the internet works to an Amish clergyman. It does nothing for your sex life.
That's what your question was about, right? Something about sex? I actually just skimmed over it. I really hate Black Velvet at Karaoke.

Sparkling in the sun,
YesAndy!

1 comment:

  1. your epidermis is showing,over there in the sunlight.

    ReplyDelete