Saturday, January 31, 2009

Manliest post about fashion advice.

My darling Pudding Pops,

I have been reviewing only the posts I have made that could be considered 'Very Awesome' and have noticed that they all carry that delicious moniker. However, I am a little remiss in the area of 'complete and total manliness'
I know what you are thinking(all of the time, mind you) and you are thinking this:
'But the Manliness is in the subtext. I have never met a man so full of man.'
To quote a rapper friend of mine, 'I feel you'
But today's post is gonna be chock full of beef, radical moves on my skateboard of fire and guns. All of those things are high on any man's list of things needed to be happy.
After you read what I have to tell Debbie, you will need a thousand wet-naps to wipe the hot advice-sauce off of your fingers, because this YesAndy! is on Nuclear Fire. (Hotter than regular fire).
Debbie writes:


Dear YesAndy!
I have never been what you'd call a fashionista, but having recently
entered a career as a secretary for a high-profile law firm, I feel
that it is time I started dressing a little better. As noted, though,
I just started this job, so I don't have much money yet. What is your
wardrobe advice for a brand-new secretary on a budget?

-Debbie D.
Newark, NJ

Dear Debbie (Yo, Woman!)
What in the shit are you yammering about? (Hell if I know)
If I were a Man, and bet your ass I am. I am the freaking King of them. The Zeus of Men. I'm trembling at my own power, I am so Manly.
Damn it. This isn't working out like I had planned...
Ok, Debbie. Here's the deal- You are not going to like this post one bit unless you drop your woman attitude. This is a MAN POST. YOU WILL ACCEPT MY MAN-VICE(The word 'Man' coupled with 'advice')
Today I take no prisoners and I don't care if I make you cry into your special K cereal (widely known to be the one thing all women eat).
I will be taking you on a rampage, and in my mind you are dressed like Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC.
(By 'Rampage' I mean an adventure where I treat you to dinner and a movie and ask your parents if I can see you again. Home before 9pm, I swear. No wandering hands.)

So you want to look nice at the lawyer-hut? Try soaking your hands in blood. Those things(lawyers) are vicious. And Jersey Lawyers are probably the worst. They talk funny. Not like Minnesotans who invented language and how to speak it properly.
But thank the gods you came to me for help, instead of dropping into a Contempo Casual or a Talbots. Their high pressure sales tactics rival that of The Radio Shack employee or those blood suckers at Claire's Boutique. I speak from someone else's experience, I assure you.
My fashion taste is rather upscale, but since I too am on a budget, I make shabby sheik look like it was stripped from Gianni Versaci's immaculate corpse. That made sense to YesAndy!
Here are some things to consider. Five of them:

1) The term 'fashionista' is a made up word from your head. I am the only one in this venue (interweb) that can make up words. (Thank you in advance, readers)
However, the word 'Fashionatrix' is one I use to describe this savvy YesAndy!
You will notice that the image you have of me in your mind's eye is correct. I do look nice.
Really really nice, in fact.

2) The best part of being at a desk all day is that you do not have to wear pants. That cuts your clothing budget in half, giving you more dollars to buy more tops. Now, I know that in today's modern office, there are positions known as 'standing' Even the occasional 'Walking around'. You may be asked to do this in your new job, Debbie. Politely tell the powers that be when they ask you to do these things to go to hell. Start screaming "I don't have to put up with this shit! I am a Man! I do whatever the hell I want! I will eat roast beef if it strikes my fancy!"
You may notice that I told you to scream out that you are a Man. Remember that my word is gold, and you did ask me for advice.
Your superiors at the Lawyer place will be confused and try to use their Law-talk at you. Remind them once again that you will eat roast beef. Even if they do not want you to. Roast beef is delicious, and they will want to end the conversation right then and there in case they begin to look foolish.

3) Only go to work on casual days. Or, since you are probably in charge of the office, consider making every day a casual day. Even YesAndy! likes to wear Kakhi pants and a tee shirt here at headquarters. And If I ever give myself any guff, I start screaming that I am a man. And then I head over to Arby's if I have a coupon.

4) Why is Arby's so freaking expensive?! That stuff isn't even real roast beef! It pisses me off that you have to do the 4 items for $5.99 or else your dinner is going to be like $10.00
And those chocolate pastries the have taste like crap. Avoid those. The cherry ones are way better. And they only send coupons in those 'have you seen me?' circulars every three months or something. You might get lucky and find them in the Sunday paper, but by then I'm way too tired to go out to Arby's in the first place. Whatever. Fuck Arby's.
What? Oh. Here's your fifth thing:

5) In this tricky economy, you really need to go shopping at thrift stores. They not only have really good deals, but they also have housewares and old records. I got a Queen album that I was looking for for like .50 cents! And I walked away with a pair of pants for a dollar. A dollar! It was like I was robbing the place.


Debbie, you are going to be just fine. I promise. Clothes do make the man, but you are a woman, so you need to find something else that makes you. I bet you don't even need clothes. Women are generally pretty attractive, and the ones who request my sage wisdom are among the prettiest in the land. Having never been to New Jersey, I cannot guarantee how good the Arby's are there, but the ones in Minnesota have free wi-fi now, and most of them look like hotel lobby's. Or would that be 'Lobbies'? I never could get that one. Maybe it's actually 'Arbies'?
I pretty much forgot what your question was, but I am glad to have been there for you.
Please note that you can steal office supplies and return them to Office Depot or Staples for cash money you can use to buy albums and old George Foreman Grills at the local thrift store.
Or clothes. You can maybe get women's clothes there. Good luck on your new job!

Have a fantastic Day, Debbie.

The Godfather of the FashionOstra (fashion and cosa nostra put together),
YesAndy!

2 comments:

  1. You got a Queen album for fifty cents? Score.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are a man of truth. Me too. A wo-man. Of truth. AND JUSTICE

    YOU KNOW IT

    ReplyDelete