Sunday, March 8, 2009

Watch out boy, she'll chew you up.

Good Morrow, gentle lovers.

Here's the deal: If you bring me the head of the farmer who decided they needed some daylight savings, I will give you the wisdom of the ages.
This isn't going to be a particularly noteworthy 'YesAndy' today. Not that the advice I give won't be full of miracles and wonder, it's just that I'm really tired, and you feel bad for making me concentrate.
I know what you're thinking. You think this stuff just comes to me as if by dreams, and the only energy I have to muster is the clicking of the mouse and the typing of the keys. No so fast, Lee Harvey. Sometimes even I need to do some research regarding questions.
And so, here is a blog that took over a week to write. Not out of laziness, but research. Because I want to give you facts. Facts that blow your mind.
The items of wisdom I had to look up on the interweb are boldfaced. I will not cite my sources, just know that they are correct.

Dear YesAndy,

I'm about to go to welding school (so that i can help save America) and I'm wondering, is there anything more sexy than a welder? Also, why do you find men attractive?

Seriously why do you keep looking at me like that,
Manly Welder Man

Dear Mary,
Hell if I know, but if I were a person who binds metal together using either electricity or heat (which I am) I would be a welder. Do you want to know where your tuition money is going towards when you get accepted to welding school? Or course you do.
When you go to any Welding school of higher learning, do you notice that all those textbooks cost about $500 each? Sucks, doesn't it? Why would you need to pay that much for a workbook, a dvd and a tome that weighs a hundred pounds? The answer is simple, Mary- The instructors are all Dancers when the sun goes down. And Dancers not only have to 'Bring it' they have to pay their Dancer bills and pay their Dancer rent. Leg warmers don't pay for themselves, Mary.
Most of the cost involved in going to Welding College is for the Special Anniversary Director's Cut of the Movie FLASHDANCE.
Oh no, how cliche. YesAndy referenced Flashdance when talking about welding.
That's right, bitches. The cinema masterpiece from 1983 is all you need. Once you have seen it, you are either three things:
1) A Welder.
2) A Dancer.
3) Jennifer Beals.

Look, Mary, I know we all wanted to be Jennifer Beals when we grew up. Even yours truly thought she looked good. I actually thought it was a porn for many years. Since I don't watch porn, I only make it, I have never seen the movie. However, I do know what it is about just by looking at the poster. Here is a summary for those who haven't seen it:

Jennifer Beals is a Doctor in a dirty city.
She hates her face, so she hides it in a welder's mask.
She is a bad Doctor, so her clothes are all cut up, or barely there at all.
She sells the collars of her sweatshirts to buy soup.
Since she is so bad at medicine, she tries to be a stripper.
Being much better at stripping than Heart bypass surgery, she keeps trying to make it.
Some dude likes her.
They go out to dinner, and since she is so excited to have something other than soup, she is disoriented and cuts off the sleeves of a tuxedo shirt she stole.
She offers the dude the sleeves as payment for the nice dinner, but he takes sex as payment.
They have sex.
She decides to weld as a hobby. (Since she already has the mask)
They get married and have babies.
The babies end up being humanities last hope against a monster. Many years later.
The end.

Here are some things to help you. Five whole things. You might notice that I hit upon a couple other topics you brought up in your question. Please read them, and know the full power of my brain. (which I only use 75% of. Because I am lazy. Normal people use only 10% of their tiny minds. It's science. I cannot fight it.)

1) You think Welding is going to save America... ok. Good luck with that. Is America made of two bits of metal that needs to become one bit of metal? Do you speak in metaphor to confuse or to justify why you cry at night?
I don't speak in metaphor, because I tell it like it is. I'm like a warrior who goes into battle with nothing but his words, vanquishing the enemies of higher thought by stabbing them with razor sharp wit, breaking their necks of doubt with my hands of truth. Pulling out their spines of fear with the jaws of life of wisdom.
Metaphors are for suckers, and you sir, are that Owl who gets to the center of the tootsie pop of lies by biting into it, thus cheating the small inner child of our poorly animated 1970's commercial of the soul out of finding the inner beauty of something something.

2) What is sexy, Manly Mary? A wise man would say that only the wise can admit that they know nothing. I am wise as hell, kiddo, and if there is one thing I know, it is Sexy.
Sexy is not Welding. Welding is of course a part of sexy, but there is more. Let me paint a picture in your mind:
There is a woman. She is standing at the end of a long hallway. The hallway is filled with fog. The kind that stays at your feet. The dry ice kind of fog, but it doesn't get your feet all wet. The sexy kind of fog. And there are christmas lights on the ceiling. And they look cool. As you walk towards her, you are passing rooms where the doors are open. You look inside each one, because you are walking slowly. Slowly is sexy. The first room has some Sexy Aerosmith or Queen song playing in it. The next one has a bunch of Women wearing wizard robes standing in a sexy circle. In the middle of the circle is a circle of actual wizards dressed in women's clothes. That part isn't sexy, and it is freaking you out. You keep walking. The room after that one is some cheerleaders doing complex math problems on a dry erase board. Sexy Math. You keep walking towards the woman at the end of the hallway, and in one room, David Bowie is sitting in a high backed chair. The room after Bowie is actually the same room Bowie is in. He got up from his chair and is following you. He asks you to be his friend. You say yes, of course, because it is David Bowie. But you are still walking. That woman at the end is waiting for you. There are a few more rooms to look into. What is that?! You look into a room, and there is every hot chick you ever went to school with. And they are all wearing bear costumes. Really realistic ones. And there is a stream running through the middle of the room. Salmon are trying to spawn. The girls (who do not have bear heads, just their regular heads) are grabbing the salmon from the air, but instead of salmon, they now have coupons to really good restaurants. They put them in a tray on a desk made of mahogany. The tray is marked 'Outgoing' That part doesn't matter, but the man sitting at the desk is none other than Henry Winkler. Television's Aurthur Fonzerelli. Sexy.
But still, you walk. You can smell the perfume that the girl down the hall is wearing. It's Clinique 'Happy' That stuff smells great. Sexy great.
The second to the last room is a ball pit. Like the kind they have at Chuck E Cheese or Showbiz Pizza. you look inside and see that no one is in it. That is sexy, because ball pits are really fun. You jump in and spend about an hour having the time of your life. There is a projector on one wall showing nothing but the best parts of movies. And there is a soda fountain with free drinks. Every kind of drink. Ever.
You get out of the ballpit, and you are wearing a tuxedo.
One more room to pass, and you arrive at Woman.
Looking inside this last mysteriously sexy room, you see a mirror. It's a big one. it almost reaches the ceiling. You look into it, and you see that you have become Harry Potter, and you are looking at a reflection of you and your dead parents.
Just kidding. It's just a mirror. But there is a hot lady there dressed as a wizard from one of the first rooms, and she gives you an amulet that lets you see through anything. And it can make you fly. Also, it gives you free admission to any amusement park in the world. That is really neat.
You get to the end of the best hallway you have ever walked down and this woman at the end is super hot, and you guys make out and do it. *

I kind of lost steam there at the end, but steam is sexy, and losing steam means you have to go find it again, and looking for stuff is like an adventure. So...yeah. THAT is what sexy is.
I noticed that I forgot that I said welding was a part of it. Let's just assume that Fonzie was welding something together to make a hovercraft.

4) (#2 was also #3.) While I understand your need to make yourself feel more like a man by calling yourself 'Manly Welder Man' You are not yet a Welder. Nor are you yet a Man. Being a Man means helping around the house with little things that might otherwise be overlooked by testosterone laden Beefeaters. You need to offer to help with dishes. You should help make a scrapbook. Try your hand at needlepoint. Watch Moulin Rouge and Amelie. they are really good movies without explosions. But there are Guns. My favorite scene in Amelie is when she takes down an underground street gang in Bangkok with a Desert Eagle .50 And when Nicole Kidman Pulled the Samoan Dictator's heart right out of his chest, and then she took a fucking bite out of it while it was beating?! That was one of the best moments in cinema history.
See, Manly Mary, you need to show off the softer side of Sears. The department store of your heart needs to be open 24 hours a day. Not just for a 13 hour sale.
And you need to stop speaking in metaphor. It's pissing me off.
Your childish way of sneaking in that you think I'm gay doesn't make any sense. It's the same as calling me a 'Neener Head' What the fuck is a 'Neener Head'? It's ok to be gay, Manly. You should stop all the hate. Hate makes you look fat.
I want you to be happy, Manly, but you have some demons you need to exorcise before you become a welder. Working with intense heat, your defenses are low, making you a prime target for enemies.
That is also something a MAN does. He makes it so motherfuckers can't beat him up. Always aware of his surroundings. Ever vigilant. And he watches Amelie and Moulin Rouge with his special lady. And maybe gives high fives about sweet things like Amelie slitting some ninja's throat and drinking whiskey from his skull. There was something else I needed to tell you... What was it? Oh yeah!
Sometimes Men also knit. I have friends who make lovely scarves. I wish I had half their talent.
I'm pretty sure you understand me by now, but you are due for a number five thing. Here you go...

5) You signed off by telling me to stop looking at you like that. Looking at you like what, Manly Welder Lady? Do you think I am there with you right now? Do you see me everywhere you go? I'm worried about you, Tiny Dancer. I have a neat little project for you to help you feel more comfortable in your skin.

here is what you need:

* Sweatshirt (grey)
* Scissors
* Sleeveless Dance Leotard
* Spandex pants (or opaque tights)
* Legwarmers
* Curly wig (optional)

Step 1: Pick up a grey sweatshirt and cut the ribbed neckline and cuffs off of it. Wash it and you should have a "roll" to the cuffs and neckline allowing it to hang nicer off of your shoulder like the one in the Flashdance.

Step 2: Layer your ensemble with the opaque tights or spandex first, then your dance leotard (sleeveless or short-sleeved works best), and then put your off-the-shoulder sweatshirt over it.

Step 3: Pull on your legwarmers and slouch them down.

Step 4: if you don't already have curly hair, And you're not inclined to wearing a wig, scrunch your hair with mousse while still wet.
Now go out and get kissed by men and women alike, because now you look like Jennifer Beals.
Let's face it, you want to be her, right? This is what we have been getting to all along. Manly Welder: You want to be a woman.

So, Manly Welder Man-child. Have we an understanding? I'm pretty sure I was good about hitting on all those pesky topics you burdened me with in your little note. Now I have burdened you with knowledge that I hope you use to become a better welder. And a better dancer. A flash dancer.
This edition of YesAndy has made me want to go see Flashdance. However, since it isn't in the theatres anymore (it came out in 1983) I will instead go watch Amelie again because I don't want to be made fun of by the Hollywood video guy because I'm renting Flashdance.
Take care, Manly. Every time I look at some welded piece of metal, I will think of Jennifer Beals. I hope you think of me.

oh, and Manly Welder Man, remember that when you are 'Quenching', you are rapidly cooling the steel to make it harder. The steel has to have enough carbon in it for it to harden. Mild steel can't be quenched to harden it because it has only .33% carbon in it. You need about .70% to be able to harden by quenching. You are changing the crystal structure from one atomic pattern to another. And also, go fuck yourself. I'm not gay :)

Your Wiser, more assertive Welding mentor-

*That may or may not have been a dream I had recently.

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