Monday, March 23, 2009

On a very special YesAndy

Hi gang.

Though I am eternally busy, with fingers in every pie, I am dedicated to telling you what you need to do to be happy and content in this mortal coil.

We have seen it all, you and I. Either you are a disgruntled thirteen year old, a welder, a paralegal, or someone who is experiencing their body for the first of many times. I’m right here waiting for you, just like the Richard Marx song from 1989.

And while I eat and sleep and dream just like the rest of you, I do it because I am required by the laws of the Universe. I must survive so you have someone in your corner. And YesAndy is always in your corner. Unless you are an asshole. I have a thing against people who are mean. It also helps that I am the only one truly qualified to answer your questions about the real stuff. The stuff that matters. I may not be a licensed therapist, but I tell you that I am. And that is enough for you.

Imagine my surprise, when I opened up the email bag and found this little gem from a lady who thinks she is a duck.

Remember to keep the questions coming. I will answer them all if I want to.


Dear YesAndy,

I am a reasonably attractive young woman. However, there is one friend I spend a lot of time with, and when we go out, it is apparent that she is The Cute One and I am just The Other One. People only notice her! Especially men people. What should I do?


The Just Okay-Looking Duckling

Dear Ducky,

Hell if I know, Woman. If I were a very smart and talented advice guru (Which, Duh.) I would be remiss if I didn’t stress the fact that YesAndy only replies to attractive women.

Not 'reasonably' attractive women.

Reasonably attractive means you have a bad attitude.

And bad attitudes make you look dumpy and gross.

It sounds like you need to wipe the ‘Wingman’ off your face with some soap, water and some industrial strength ‘I know I am hot- so what is your problem- check my hot ass out’ Available at your local every damn place you go. Let’s start at your mirror, ok?

Here are some things you need very badly:

1) Stand in front of your bathroom mirror, Ducky. Look at yourself. Isn’t that a sweet thing looking back at you? Damn. I like what you see. And you see what I like. Ladies have to understand that they are the alpha bits of the species. Humanities last hope. The things that make going out on the town way more fun. See, if it wasn’t for females, all we would have is gay bars for dudes, and there wouldn’t be any good music, because we would all be lip-syncing Iggy pop songs instead of Regina Spektor or Natalie Merchant. Those ladies have great voices. And that turns YesAndy on. Give me a good singing voice, and you are halfway in my tight leather pants without using a crowbar or whiskey. I forget what I was talking about. Oh yeah. Women. You are one of those, Ducky. You should be proud. There are more of you than men, so when the end of days comes, you will be in charge because dudes are going to be listening to Regina Spektor songs, hoping that she will sleep with me.

At any rate, I bet you are super hot, so stop worrying about it.

2) So…This friend you have…Is she single? Ha ha ha! Just kidding. We’re having a good time, aren’t we, Ducky? You know what? I don’t give a hoot if she is single or not. Because she is a common street whore compared to you! And street whores, as we all know from watching Moulin Rouge, eat the flesh of their young in order to stave off the effects of Tuberculosis. Who wants that? Not me. I like my children alive and well, plowing fields and tending the poppies so my Opium empire can grow and grow. Just kidding about the opium thing, Ducky. Although I have been in my fair share of Opium dens. In fact, that is what I call my bedchambers: ‘The Opium Den’. I even have an elderly Asian man sitting in the corner. He is who I ask questions to when I need advice.

Actually, that isn’t true either. When YesAndy needs council, I seek out those big assed tortoises they have at the zoo. Those guys live for like 200 years or something. And if they haven’t seen it all and done it all, then I will make an old asian guy sitting in the corner of my room eat his funny hat.

On to the third…

3) I mentioned the term ‘Wingman’ earlier. I wanted to go somewhere with that thought, but it’s sunny outside in Minneapolis, and I am distracted by the need to go out and soak up some vitamins though my skin. (which is, I am told, the largest organ the human body has. Isnt that interesting?) So yeah. Wingman… Something about Top Gun. Or maybe it was about Val Kilmer. He was in The Saint. I liked that movie. Spy movies are cool. Elizabeth Shue was in that one. She is wicked attractive just like you, Duckster. AND she was in Adventures in Babysitting. God I hate Chicago. And that one neighbor kid was in Rent. I never saw that show. I guess I was trying to tell you to Not Fuck with the Babysitter. And you are the Babysitter, Ducky. The babysitter of your stupid assed friend who tries to steal all the thunder. Don’t let her steal from you, Ducky. Thievery amongst friends is wack. Just like crack is. Crack is whack. Don’t do drugs, Ducky. I want to be outside. Jesus it is so nice out.

4) My picture of you in my mind is really good, Ducky. That should make you feel better than good, which of course is GREAT. Women, as a general rule, are neat to look at. They have curves and things that confuse men. I am not confused by things like that, as my brain is much more powerful than any realize. I am not easily distracted by a black bra strap that peeks through a white, button down blouse. Nor when a woman bends down to adjust the strap of her stiletto shoe, making her skirt draw tighter around her thighs. Even if she is wearing a black tank top and jeans, and her skin is awesome, she reaches up for something like a jug of water like from The Princess Bride, where it's that dude grabbing it, but in my mind it's a lady. She's all " I want you so hard" and then i go all Han Solo and I say "I know" Damn. Women are great. all of them. Except the ones that don't smile or have a sense of humor. I need that in a woman, or else she gets offended and we break up.
Ok. That's it. I'm going outside.

[YesAndy went outside a few minutes after typing the above sentence, and didn't return to headquarters until it was much too late to write. Also, he found a bottle of whiskey, and some really good movies at a thrift store, so he watched them, drank, thought about private things, and took a shower. It is now the next day, and it is cold and rainy in the Twin Cities.]

5) Ducky. It is nasty outside. What the hell happened? Stupid weather. I think that since I took a break from writing all that 'good will towards Women rhetoric', I pissed off the National Weather People. And they have sent me greyness and rain. I promise that from now on, I'm going to finish what I started and not take breaks. OOOH! The coffee is done brewing. Be right back.
[one hour later]

I had no idea that you were not supposed to brew coffee using coffee as the water. That was very messy.
So Ducky, what was I going to tell you? Oh yeah. I was going to tell you about distractions. They are everywhere. Your 'pretty' friend, for example. She is a distraction when you go out. But are the guys she is distracting really worth it? Probably not. Nine times out of ten, those guys are worthless sacks of doo. They wear the white ball caps backwards and always wear cargo shorts. They probably listen to rap music not out of irony, but because it 'speaks' to them in some way. It reminds them of the life they could have lived if they lived in the inner city, and not some safe suburb where nothing happens except for a contempo casual opening or an in-store appearance of some D-list celeb at a best buy. You want nothing of those Men, Ducky. You need an artist. Someone who is in touch with their emotions enough to know that 'Casper' was a heart warming movie. These guys hear an old Madonna song and say 'Oh! This is my jam!' (But not in a Gay way). You need a guy who looks into your eyes and sees YOU. Not what color bra you are wearing or how good your ass looks in pants. (they see that stuff later on) They look forward to seeing you walk towards them in a crowded room, and they always take your call in the middle of the night if you are in trouble. And if they get up to go to the kitchen while you are watching a movie on the couch, they ask if you would like anything like water or pudding pops or coffee. Those are they guys you want. The guys who treat you as an equal, but know deep down that you are better than them so they will never stop paying attention to you and never take you for granted.

I would hope that any woman who thinks they are Second String to what they think is a prettier friend would gather up some of the self confidence that they all deserve and start kicking ass and taking names. If I were able to (and I am) I would take all of you out on the town and show you how a gentleman handles things. Alas, I am just a voice on the interweb, albeit a voice you have come to know and trust as if my word were from God herself. So Ducky, all you need to do when you are out with that friend is be your beautiful self. Don't let her take anything from you that you don't want to give. And if you happen to be at the table when she goes to the bathroom to powder her nose, leaving you with that group of guys, casually mention that she has the kind of herpes that makes penises shrivel up and turn into vaginas. No guy wants that. Vaginas are wicked complex.

I hope your day tomorrow is sunny, Duckling.

Oh, and never call yourself a Duckling again. Call yourself something sexy, like 'Turbo Cobra Laser Vixen'

The Man who likes the pretty girl's friends,

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