Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Imaginary? This stuff is REAL!

Fair and lovelies,
Today, I am channeling Walt Whitman in the fact that I am singing The Body Electric.
And you will too, after this rousing and very informative edition of YesAndy! Advice and BBQ Recipes. The days are getting longer, and the late afternoon sun has reached my western facing wall. Summer is coming, and with it, the ladies get off the busses from ‘Hot Camp’ and they start walking around in towels and capes.
Let that image soak in for a moment.

So since I am trying harder to enjoy life and Carpe Diem, as it were, I will be shortening my opening statements in an attempt to streamline your advice and knowledge system.
Today’s gem comes from a very inquisitive bird who we will call ‘Dedicated’
I say inquisitive, because I noticed that they asked not one, but four questions. Usually, the amazement I allow you to absorb is limited to ONE little ditty.
Again, I sing the body electric.
You know what that means.
It means I am trying to be nicer in my responses no matter how ridiculous the query. People may tell you that there is no dumb question.
I completely disagree.
For example:

Dear YesAndy,
This is in regard to your post to the little thirteen year-old.

If Santa has an imaginary penis...

Do all of the beloved characters from my childhood like the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy not have genitals? And if so, how do these characters go to the bathroom? Because you see them eating... so don’t they have to go to the bathroom? Or are they like the nuaghty ghost from ghost busters and it just falls out of them?


Dedicated Friend and Reader

Dear Dedicated,
What is it with everyone wanting to talk about thirteen year olds? Am I finally sponsored by a huge corporation? And is that company Nickelodeon? Do I have a Dora the Explorer icon on the top of the page? Let it go, people.
Dedicated, if I were you (which I am. YesAndy is all people and no one at the same time. A ghostly memory of what was and a solid shadow of what will be. Boom. Your mind is blown.) I would be asking myself not four questions, but only one: ‘Why must I insist on trying to be clever with the father of wit?’
Of course, the Father in question is YesAndy, and ‘wit’ is my love baby that I invented or something.
You see, Dedicated, It has come to my attention that there is a religion being formed in a moderately sized mid-western city that ends in ‘apolis’ where I am the Alpha and the Omega. My words are scripture, and this text you are reading, a sort of bible. So far, the only congregant in the Church of YesAndy is a guy who fancies himself to be a welder. But I am sure, that with time, more sheep will be added to the flock and this advice stop on the train tracks to prosperity will become a fully functional battle station.
But like I always say, ‘I think metaphors are for the weak. Tell it like it is’
Just like Billy The Kid, Dedicated, I am not a God. Though I am descended from the Gods of the North, I don’t like to bring it up because that leads to me doing party tricks (which I dislike).
My only advice to Brother welder-man is to be nice to his roommates all the time. And do whatever they ask politely of you.
But my advice to you, Dedicated comes in five parts to your four questions.

1) If Santa has an imaginary penis...
Do all of the beloved characters from my childhood like the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy not have genitals?
-That is what you asked me. I wanted you to re-read it. Maybe say it outloud. In front of a mirror. Now pretend that you are interviewing for a job that will be your career for the rest of your life. Your prospective employer asks you if you have any questions, and you ask that. Your children need new clothes for school, and your mortgage isn’t going to pay itself.
If I were your prospective employer (which I am) I would punch you in the face. And then I would hire the next person with the least experience. Just to piss you off.
And yes, they all have genitals. How else would they have families? Jesus, Dedicated, did you really need me for that?

2) And if so, how do these characters go to the bathroom?
-There’s another one of those things you asked. You knew deep down that they all went to the bathroom. They go like you or I would, but I wonder if you even know how to do that. Perhaps the underlying problem is your lack of toilet training. I think that since you are asking the questions of a four-year-old boy, which is what you are. I beg you to ask your supervisors to throw some cheerios into the toilet and when the desire arises, whip it out and try to sink those heart healthy cereal bits. That is how some people learned to not pee in corners or in their own pants. I am of course, not referring to myself. I always knew how to not pee my pants. The thought of being trained in anything is insulting. YesAndy knows. And he has always known. Everything.

3) Because you see them eating... so don’t they have to go to the bathroom?
- Do you see them eating? Or do you feel that they should eat? Is the act of eating a comfort to you? If they do not eat, do you fear they might not be real? Or if they do eat, will they become less imaginary? Since they do have genitals, as I have told you, do you think that asking so many questions is just about the most annoying thing ever? Santa has twig & berries. He is married. To Mrs. Santa. She likes watching adult movies while they go at it for hours and hours. Don’t believe me? Read the bible. It’s all referenced in there. In that one chapter where they talk about how kids should shut the hell up until they develop ideas of their own. It’s not that I am mad at you, Dedicated, it’s just that talking about the bathroom makes me have to go, and if the YesAndy bladder is ringing it’s gong of intent, the sensei of logic must learn to unlearn what he has learned about holding it all in. Because you could get a bladder infection of the soul.
- Metaphors are dumb. Gotta pee. Brb.

4) Or are they like the nuaghty ghost from ghost busters and it just falls out of them?
- What?! Santa is a Ghost now? The Easter bunny is a phantom spectre who haunts the hallways of homes everywhere, and instead of searching for the ones who killed him, or crossing over into the next phase of existence, There is some free floating apparition rabbit who hides plastic eggs filled with jelly bellies? I see where you are going with that, Dedicated. I see, and I approve. I like your version better than the hundreds of years of tradition that has made small children and that young at heart happy. You are what they call a ‘Dream Killer’. And food falling out of the torso of a see through Santa Claus, fully chewed but not digested is really gross. You must have been hurt really bad by someone you trusted to try and sully my view of Ghostbusters. I saw that movie when it came out in the theatre, Dedicated. And you are not going to take that away from me. Not me, or any of the good people who read these passages of truth. Shame, Dedicated, Oh the shame.

5) You misspelled the word ‘Naughty’ Use your spell check the next time you write me, ok?

Ok, Dedicated Friend and Reader. We have hit on several things today that you need to think long and hard about. I know that in the end, we have taken your curiosity and replaced it with fear. Fear, as the ancient people from far away have told their children for years and years, is the reason I do not hold you or make eye contact.
Together, everyone, we have the power to extinguish every fire and high five every person who punches a child molester in the face.
Let’s get the inbox moving again, folks. No is going to solve your problems but YesAndy, and I am more than willing to help.
Happy Easter everyone. The rabbit is behind you with a knife…

Your very own dedicated friend and lover,

Feel free to send all your needy nagging questions to brynildson@gmail.com be sure to put ‘Dear Yes Andy’ in the subject line.

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