That is a word problem of YesAndy! Proportions. At least for this golden oldie...
Note that this post is the last of the old ones.
Now we begin a new chapter in helping people help themselves by asking me to help them.
All we need now is for someone to ask for help.
Friday, March 23, 2007
I am your pole dancer, a dancer for money...
My Tasters of Choice,
I long for the day when no one needs my advice or has any questions. But until that day, I will always put you up on a pedestal and throw opinion rocks at you till you fall onto a pillow of understanding. I make you feel better because you make me feel better. Let's keep it up. Tell your friends that I can help them, or that I am an easy way to pass the time. Some of the messages sent to me are from people who have been in my presence. This could be you. It is a nice place to be, because I am so supportive and honest.
This next query comes from a girl named 'Misty Vapors'. While I know that there are about a million jokes running through your head having to do with strippers, I will rise above the nonsense and try to not take us down a road more traveled by Junior High School students… Just kidding. It's totally a stripper name, right? Here's her question and what I had to say so she felt like a natural woman:
dear mr. yes
Stop writing me. I really think you are stupid.
Awww, come on, I'm just pulling your leg! This is a place where we all can relax and make with the nice! Here's my real response:
Dearest Miss Vapors,
Hell if I know. In fact, seriously, what did you just say? I'm all for run on sentences and I think that they are awesome and cool and super sweet if you use them correctly, but sometimes I use them incorrectly and I feel bad but you have to understand that I never said that I would use anything that I learned in English class here in this advice forum. Comma splices are fucking rad too!
Misty, if I were a man of science (which I am) I would tell you first that 'shooting stars' are actually meteors, not stars. You are right, though, stars are balls of gas. After that, you went on some tangent about how you want to get laid or something. I can help you get laid, but I cannot help you with the astronomy lesson you want me to prepare you. I often hear after intimate 'astronomy lessons' that the ladies under my tutelage have 'seen stars' or 'felt the Earth move' but you have really made those analogies seem perverted and strange… I forgive you, but remember these five things:
1. Your dreams, as real as they may seem, are actually illusions that your brain is creating to get you to go back to school and take an English course. For example: at the beginning of each new sentence, start with a capital letter. Also, when referring to yourself, remember to capitalize the letter 'I'
2. I think in #1 I was going to say something about proper nouns. I forget what it was, so I will let you ponder that instead of having a number two.
3. I can dig that you are interested in science, Misty. I think that that is really great. I watch Star Trek sometimes and wonder if 'space' really 'exists'. That was pretty funny how I put quotes on the words space and exists…because we all know that both of those things go against God and all his glory.
4. Remember in #3 when I ended with something that seemed like I was bashing God and or his/her followers? I totally wasn't trying to do that. But to avoid a discussion about my religious beliefs, I will change the subject by saying that I think you may be addicted to sex, Misty.
5. I really am trying to help you, Misty, but I have to be honest with you: I spilled soup on my bedspread while I was writing #2, and I haven't been paying much attention to what I was writing. Soup is a pain to clean up, you know? Also, gas is not alive. That is ridiculous.
The universe is full of crazy questions, Misty. I'm sure that when we all go where we are supposed to in the end, we will get some sort of video that is not unlike a training video you have to watch when you work at a K-mart. In fact, I'm sure that when we are all dead, we are referred to by a nebulous form as 'Team Members' or 'Associates'. And God's sense of humor will be to make us all wear blue vests and help people find the automotive section until the end of time. Getting back to your rant about whatever, Misty: You are a special person who has a lot of potential. You shine just as brightly as any star and you are not made of gas, but rather hugs and sugar. And it is that fact that will help you get all sorts of sex that will make your life worth living.
I cannot believe I spilled my soup.
Stay Awesome, Misty!
Your Ron Jeremy of the night sky,