Friday, January 23, 2009

Eight, Eight, The burning Eight.

The fact that eight people had need of advice is astounding enough.

And the fact that I have more help to give is proof that there are gods out there who love us. Because they made me.


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Putting the green in...Something green.
Current mood:Digging life's garden.

It's a little wild and a little strange…When you make your home out on the range… Hey Dude(s)!
The train keeps on rolling down the track with this little ditty from the swinging streets of Uptown. It seems the world's most eligible foliage needs some guidance. And guidance he shall receive. IN ABUNDANCE.Enjoy. The names have not been changed due to the fact that it is a plant. Keep it coming, folks. I'm here for you.

Dear Yes, Andy!,
I have a problem that I hope you can help me with: I slept with a girl the other night and now she wants to be my girlfriend. But I can't be havin' a girlfriend, man. I'm motherfuckin' Steven Seagal, the swinginest Spathiphyllum in all of Uptown. I don't want no girl following me around and shit. What do I do?
"Peeved and Leaved"

Dear 'Peeved and Leaved',
Hell if I know, but if I were a botanist (which I am), I would sit you on my knee and give you an emotional pruning that you won't soon forget. So. You are a plant. Named Steven Seagal. Ok. I can work with that. And by the looks of things, so can all the ladies in fucked up sexual perversion land.If I live to be a 100, I won't be able to work out the logistics of how a plant can type; know its own genus name; sleep with girls and not know how to let her down easy. Thank the Norse Gods I am here at 2 in the AM drinking coffee and thinking how to help out. Here are some things you can do to make her think you are not 'all that' and that she needs to move on and work on her people skills.

1) Though your name is Steven Seagal, she might think that you are the actual Steven Seagal: Highly acclaimed movie star and martial arts enthusiast. Take a trip to the local Bollywood video and pick up 'Under Siege 2' Invite her over, and make her watch it. That alone will make her run for the hills, because you will tell her that it is your favourite movie. Everyone will laugh, including the studio audience, because we all know that 'Hard to Kill' was the fucking bomb.

2) Tell her that you have some form of plant herpes or cholera.

3) Pee with the door open. Most women do not like this, and it makes them think you are a savage beast. If this does not work, you should sneak into the bathroom after she uses it and put the toilet seat up. Every time. And then scream at her. She will get confused and after a while she will think it is her fault. Then you sit her down and tell her you are not into chicks that pee standing up.

4) Insist on calling her Cheryl. Tell her it was your Mother's middle name and it makes you really horny. Also, start calling every woman you meet when you are around this girl Cheryl too. After a while, start sighing loudly after you say the name. In fact, after a few days, start calling guys Cheryl. Then start barking or something.

5) Tell her that your sun rises and sets with her, but that you are super scared of the sun, because it is a giant ball of fire that threatens to consume your world. If she is nice at all, she will not want to scare you anymore. Being scary is no good in relationships.

Steven, I know this may be hard for you to accept, but everyone has a shelf life. You might want to consider settling down and starting a family. I'm kidding, Steve! You are a plant! That's just silly. Everyone knows that plants are nature's whores. Plants are sexual predators, and you are just doing what your DNA tells you. I do suggest that you use protection and go to the clinic every six months. I am so glad I could help you, Steven. Remember: You are not just a plant, you are THE plant.

Stay Awesome, Steven!

Your fertilizer of the soul,
Yes Andy!

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