Friday, January 23, 2009

Old number six.

Sometimes I am in awe of how much the world needs me. If I have a child, I hope it is with every single one of you, so none of you have to worry anymore.


I know...


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I'll get you He-man! Said Ment-or...
Current mood:Bubbling over with pop culture..

Hello again, faithful flock of seagulls.

Lancy needs some help, and I am all about helping today. And everyday. Keep it coming, I don't go out of the house except to drink and chew bubblegum. (my social life is lacking, you see...)

Dearest Yes Andy!
I am currently living in Thesis Hell. My mentor has been unclear with me from the start as to what she wanted, then last weekend decided she needed more specifics, after telling me in the beginning of the semester that this was just supposed to be "a game plan" no designing necessary yet. *coughs out the word bullshit* I have pulled the proverbial rabbit from the hat and given her the specifics she wants. After sending her an email pretty much saying, WTF, I'm not prepared for this, you didn't tell me this shit months ago, that is. But I digress, my current problem is that now, everytime I send her a new draft with her LAST edits and requests, she has MORE FREAKING EDITS. I am a good writer according to all of my past professors. She just keeps changing her mind about the way that SHE wants things. I have decided to do ONE more round of edits today and that is it. I don't get a grade on this really and it's not like they ever say, "no you can't do this project, your prospectus sucks!" It was originally due today, but after realizing that she'd been unclear with me, she gave me the option of an extension into January, now she tells me that I don't have to have it in until Monday. I would like to finish this so that I can enjoy the holiday, but I know if I email it to her she will send it back with more edits. If I don't email her til Sunday she will know I am avoiding sending it to her. How do I handle this? I can always mail it to her tonight and say, "This is my Final Answer, Regis," but that seems kinda rude. Help, me Andy-wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!

Dear Lancy,
Hell if I know, but if I were your mentor, I'd try to remember that no matter what, there will always be re-writes and edits. And what is a mentor? To me, a mentor is someone who gently guides you along the path you yourself have chosen. They believe in you no matter what, and know that you have the chops to make it. They also probably have been in the same position you are in now, and are in a place where you want to be in the future.
However your Mentor sounds more like a 'Ment-Or'.
A Ment-Or is one of Skeletor's minions and tries to defeat He-Man at every turn. Ment-or isn't someone you need around. Not when you have the power of GraySkull when it comes to writing. Trust your instincts, Lancy, they are all you have in your quest to defeat evil. SInce Yes Andy! doesn't believe in guns, you must learn to use your brain to conquer your new nemesis. Ment-Or should have some turkey tomorrow. Invite her over and slip some Whiskey in her nog or whatever you southern ladies drink during turkey day. (Mint Juleps?) Tell her she needs to loosen up and let the little bird fly solo. You know you are a good writer. She probably knows this too. Hell, I wish I had you leaning over my shoulder to correct all the spelling and grammatical errors I commit in any given blog.
Here are 5 ways to break it to her that you are mad as hell and not going o take it anymore:

1) If she isn't available for Thanksgiving dinner, and/or you don't wish to subject your family to her nagging about "just a few more thoughts" about your paper over the pumpkin pie, try sending her the finished product on Friday nght. If she is like most people, she will be too tired from shopping to worry about it. How was that for a comma splice? See, I need you spell/grammar check. I need you bad...

2) Do you know where she lives? If not, tell her that I do. This should frighten her into cutting you a little slack. Also, let her know that if she doesn't back off a little, I will end her.

3) Instead of calling her 'Mentor', call her 'De-Mentor'. Heh. See? It's like she is that thing from Harry Potter that sucks your head and makes you sad. No one wants to be one of those. They are scary, and that insult would make her cool again.

4) Play a game with her. Invite her over for a meeting. Tell her that you are meeting her at a coffeeshop. Provided she doesn't know where she lives, give her directions to your house. when she asks why this coffeeshop has pictures of you lying around and looks like someone's house, bonk her on the head and then while she is passed out take her to a REAL coffeeshop.
She will be confused and scared (because you pretend like nothing is wrong). Ok, now right before she wakes up, you get her her favourite coffeedrink and you get one for yourself too. Drink about half of hers and get yours in a to go cup. She will ask 'What happened' you just tell her 'thank you so much for finishing up the editing. I think it's perfect too. Just like you said before you dozed off.' Get up and leave.
This is probably your best bet, but there is still number 5.

5) Go to a karaoke bar and sing with her. Get her super drunk and tell her that her voice is just like Stevie Nicks. She should sing 'landslide'.
As the lyrics make her re-think her life, she will probably realize that she was really harsh on your thesis. And that she needs to call her family and re-build bridges that were burned years ago. Your thesis will be the least of her worries. She has to go and find herself...

Lancy, you are a good writer. I'm a betting man, as we all know, so I put all of my wooden nickels on your thesis being just right. As it is, right this minute. Don't change a thing. You need to go to a store on friday when the sales are super good, and buy yourself something nice. Something that makes you feel sexy. I find that buying a new shirt makes me feel like I can do anything, like stand up to some Mentor bully who eats crap for breakfast. You have a great Thanksgiving, and be thankful that I am here for you anytime you need it. Send the Thesis on Sunday. You work too hard and need a foot rub.
Also, Sweet potato's are fucking great, am I right?!
Stay Awesome, Lancy!

Yes Andy!

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