Friday, January 23, 2009

Eleven is my favorite number.

This is number 11 on the hit parade of YesAndy! flashbacks. By now, you must surely have things to ask me, as my wisdom has only increased with time.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Porky's Revenge...
Current mood:Enjoying the spectacles

My silver bells of Christmas cheer,
Many questions are coming into the Yes Andy Headquarters. I have now taken to answer them in varying degrees of importance. While I do like the bland question now and again, or the random sexual fantasy descriptions, let's veer towards questions that have nothing to do with me. This is about how I can help you with my vast expertise on life. I'm shoulder to lean on in a world filled with people who were born without shoulders. Let's help out 'Porky' shall we? I think we will all find that to be comforting. Take my hand, and I will lead you to tomorrow.Here, read this:

Dear Yes, Andy!,
Every year I go on a camping trip with a big group of friends, and this summer a bunch of new people came. Sam and I share the annual tradition of stopping into town on our way to the park and getting a cartful of sausages, wieners, and other things that keep well in a natural casing. Part of the tradition includes finding room in everyone's cooler for the stuffed intestines. (The vegetarians are a particular target since the foot longs fit so snugly between their French rolls.) Well, this summer, as we were rummaging in some random cooler under the food tarp, some skirt taps me on the shoulder and says, "Just what do you think you're about to do?" So I turned around and told her, "Lady, I'm porkin' your box." Well, she didn't like that too much. Unfortunately, she's a friend of a friend, you see, and now every time I see her she snubs me. Yes, Andy!, what can I do, shy of apologizing, to alleviate this social tension?
Sincerely, PorkyDear

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that you are 13 years old. I'd start off with my usual 'Hell if I know…' but actually, I do know. You are not looking in the right place for help, because I don't tell people what they want to hear, I tell them what they need to hear. Porky, there are just so many things wrong with your message. I'll start by giving you five things to think about before you go on your next camping trip. Yes Andy likes camping by the way, but camping with you sounds super lame. This will help:

1) Ask yourself if Sam is a real person. I'm not gonna lie to you, Porky, I know a lot of people named Sam, and none of them exist. This reason alone is why I don't talk about Sam. Or any of the Sams I know. You would do better to avoid telling people your imaginary friend's name.

2) There are only so many things in natural casing that are available at the supermarket. None of these products should be the basis of any kind of 'tradition'. You might want to look into a potato sack race or a game of capture the flag during your camping trips. These are fun ways to institute a tradition that do not involve heavily processed meat product. You can also play the games with real people. Sam can come too, but tell him/her that you want to play with some of the other kids. At first, Sam will be mad, maybe even hurt. And if he/she tells you to hurt the other kids while they are sleeping, just remember that it is a natural reaction of all imaginary friends to try and weed out the competition. Killing is always wrong, Porky. Always.

3) Yes Andy needs to quote you now: "Part of the tradition includes finding room in everyone's cooler for the stuffed intestines. (The vegetarians are a particular target since the foot longs fit so snugly between their French rolls.)" Do you know any card games? A game of hearts or old maid is a fun way of starting a tradition. Sam might be telling you lots of things right now. I am not lying, and I am not trying to hurt you. I just think that there are lots of things you could do instead of trying to put meat in coolers to make some memories. Will you want to look back in 20 years at the time you got 5 extra ballpark franks into that igloo cooler, or would you rather remember that one time you were sitting by the campfire and you beat everyone at skipbo? And though I do understand the humor of 13 year olds, I think it is mean to pick on vegetarians. Even though their choice has assured them a place in hell. I kid, I kid. Seriously, though. Meat is awesome.

4) Calling women 'skirts' will never get you kissed by one, Porky. Also, you should think about changing your name, as no girl would ever want to be known as 'The girl who frenched Porky'. That kind of stigma stays with a kid. You should change your name to Chad or Cheryl. Then you will get freaky play from all the ladies. Unfortunately, Sam will try and exact his/her revenge late at night. Stay away from sharp objects, Porky. I think Sam is trying to hurt you.

5) Porking your box isn't funny. Not even when you are 13. Instead of saying that, next time say "I'm about to touch the hand of the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. That is if she will let me…"(because you always ask permission, Porky, no matter what Sam says).Porky, you said that the girl you said the porking your box line to is a friend of a friend. This means she is not your friend. Why are you so worried? If I were you (and I'm not) I would be terrified of being all alone at the next 'traditional campout' In fact, I would be terrified of being 35 years old and still listening to what Sam is telling me. You go to the next dance that they hold in your cafeteria. Meet a nice girl and marry her. But remember, if you take her camping and end up having sex with her, you will get killed by a masked killed. Whose name is probably Sam. Enjoy those Hot dogs, kiddo! Oh, and just apologize for being a creepy weirdo to the girl under the food tarp. You should have made out with her instead of being a knob.

Stay Awesome, porky!

Your Son of Sam,
Yes Andy!

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