Friday, January 23, 2009

Old advice number three


I should try an be less long winded, but it's just how they wired me at the factory, you know?

Keep reading, and hopefully you are thinking of questions you know I can help you with.


Friday, November 17, 2006

Raging on the road to vengeance.
Current mood:Flippin' sweet.

Hello, my apple dumpling gang.

This message comes from a girl named Benny. I changed her name to avoid litigation, in case she does what I tell her to do. I am an idea man. You choose the follow through. I have to note that the first two questions in this site were from females. I have to say that I am shocked, delighted, and still single. I did think that my first questions would be from guys, because they fuck up thier lives so easily and often.

And so I bring you help number two...


I have road rage and some days its worse than others. Everytime someone forgets to use their turn signal, All I can think about is running them off the road, snapping off the turn signal bar and beating them with it.

I am normally a peace loving, live and let live kinda gal. But it's as if I am possessed when behind the wheel. What kinda of things could I think about or do while driving that could maybe relax me? You know, other than smoking, yelling and flipping people off.

I am longing for and missing that "Sunday Drive" feel.

Dear Benny,

Hell if I know, but so far, I like your attitude. Attitude will get you places in this messed up world we live in. It will also get you 10 to life in a federal pen if you do what your first instinct is when drivers piss you off.

Rule number one, and this is before they teach you the ABC's or how to share coloured plastic toys: People are big fuck off jerks when they get behind the wheel of a horseless buggy.

If I were driving, and some jerk hole flipped the wrong switch, I'd pull a knife on them and cut thier belly. But I am not driving. You are. And since you don't have a knife on you like Yes, Andy! does, I will give you five ways to calm your shit down. Enjoy.

1) The calming effect of Pot is one that I endorse. In fact, when I smoke the reefer, I get sleepy and forget to drive anywhere. Or I start watching a movie, which you cannot do while driving anyway. Unless you are in one of those SUV's with the lcd displays in the seats. In which case you are part of the problem, and should be pulled over, not for smoking pot or watching a movie, but for being an asshole with lcd screens in your car. Donate money to charity, you dick. Pot is, and always will be natures way of saying: 'Dude, take a break. Eat a twinkie. You deserve it' Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah. Number 2.

2) Try counting to 300,000. While this is not an impossible task, you will find that is is mentally taxing and you end up angrier than you would be if the old lady in front of you is doing 35 in a 65 zone. This allows you to put things into perspective, and you end up happier somehow.

3) Own at least one album by the following bands, and keep them in your glove box to play at a moments notice. Queen, The Beach Boys, Aerosmith, Negativeland, The Rolling Stones. These albums have things called 'songs' on them. Songs are meant to be sung along to, and singing makes you happy. Even if you suck at it.

4) Red rope licorice isn't just a good idea on paper. It is a fucking awesome idea in your tummy. There is not one thing that can piss you off on your morning or afternoon commute that red rope licorice cannot make better. That shit is fucking unbelievable. Garth from Wayne's World had his shit together. Also, listen to Bohemian Rhapsody while you are eating it. That movie is funny.

5) Drive naked. This may be hard at first, but once it becomes part of your routine, you will find that drive time is sexy time. And who doesn't like times that are sexy? Or Wayne's World? Seriously?!

Benny, you can do other things too. Road bingo. Always a hit.

Or you could only drive on Sundays. Then you would get that Sunday drive feel without any artificial flavour. Here in Minneapolis, we have a huge parkway system that takes like two hours to drive all the way around. Moving here is always an option, because the drivers don't look at you differently when you are driving naked. They don't even make eye contact with you, it isn't polite.

I sure am glad I could help you and answer your question with detailed brilliance. Tell your other myspace friends that I'm here and that I helped you change your life for the better. Now go get naked and grab the keys!

Stay Awesome, Benny!

Your Dream Man,

Yes, Andy!

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