Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I am your torchsong. And other things.

Good afternoon, agents of change!

The good news is that I am getting better at organizing all of my items on the old 'to do' list and you are the ones who will take home the spoils.
I think I can do 'Laundry' later tonight.
I feel I can change the cat litter while doing the laundry because the box is in the same room in my palatial stronghold that is the YesAndy! offices.
I know I can use my time to serve you better and answer the things you need answering.
Maybe we can learn something along the way.
Come, gentle Pilgrim, let us tally forth to dizzying heights of understanding. Together, hand in hand, we will own the night and remember the Titans and Bring it on again and again.
This next query comes from some manly man named Steve. He writes:

Dear YesAndy,

Sometimes I get the song "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne stuck in my
head for hours and hours. I hate it. What should I do?

Sincerely, Steve

Dear Steve,
Hell if I know, man. If I was a radio disc jockey (which I am) and you called in to try and listen to that song, here is how the conversation would go:

YesAndy!- Hey, this is YesAndy! The best DJ on planet Earth! Coming to you live from the sweet as hell studio that looks exactly like the bridge of the Enterprise AND The Millenium Falcon (Because that would be the sweetest studio ever) I'm spilling hot hits into your lap because I am the Bartender of sound! My martini shaker of tunes is overflowing with the tastiest music that make your ears drunk with... Music! Woah! looks like there is a 40 car pileup on a highway because that last rad-ass song I played made everyones 'music-blood' level five times the legal limit! I'm taking requests on the 'Yes-Line' Remember the number is area code six- tee- nine 696-9696..9 Oh yeah! I'm like the kool aid man busting through a wall, holding a briefcase full of shit you wanna hear!
First caller, go ahead!"

Steve- "Uh. Hi. I'm a freaking nerd who has never seen a woman. I would like to hear a song called 'I wish I had a Girlfriend' by some chick. Oh! gotta go! Xena And The View And Martha Stewart are all on at once, I have to go cry and think about unicorns."

YesAndy!- "Hell no, Steve!"

End Scene.

Steve. Steve. Steve!
What am I going to do with you? I can only take so much 'What the Hell?!' each day, and your question just used up a week of it!
There is a word we use in the advice giving circuit (which is just like the Rodeo Circuit, if you were curious) for people like you: Hopeless.
However, since YesAndy! is a kind and benevolent god of the 'WhatshouldIDo's?' I choose to help you scratch out the 'less' in 'hopeless' and give you 'more' making you 'HopeMore'
All copywritten catchphrases aside, I am glad you came to me for help and not someone mean like one of my brothers. Those guys are dicks and cannot be trusted like the Y.A.!-Man.
Here are some things that will help you with your problem:

1)To understand the song 'Girlfriend' you need to know what that word means. To do that, you need to talk to a girl, and use some magic potion to get her to like you enough to date you. I suggest going to a gypsy and having him/her brew up some number nine. Dig it?
I am not condoning the use of roofies to get a girl. If you do that, I will kill you. That stuff gives guys a bad wrap, and we already have to deal with those Frat boys and guys who use spray tanning and wear popped collars.
The best place for you to go would be a sci-fi convention or a renaissance fair. The women who go to those are willing to do just about anything. Seriously, they rule.

2) Avril Levigne is not a real name. That is a strange way of saying
'Avril' Which is French for 'April' which is a month in the calendar year.
'Levi' Which is a brand of denim.
'Gne' which is black forest slang from the 1500's for Gnome. And those are woodland people who wear pointy hats and build shoes or something.
So putting it all together, the song is written by a "Forest sprite who wears jeans in the Springtime"
I don't have anything more to say about it. The proof is right there.

3) "Hate" is such a strong word. It is used too much in todays society. However, do you know what word is used more than that? 'Hours' You used it twice in your question, Steve. I get it. But no matter what song I have stuck in my head, and trust me-they are usually awesome songs, they are not there for more than a few minutes. Maybe my brain is more powerful than yours. That could be the case. Actually, it probably is. I tested at a very high brain level in smart school. It is my cross to bear, Steve, and I don't want to make you sad.
In fact, let's just move on to your number four thing before you start crying.

4) Any song that runs through your head over and over should be a song that could be played as part of a soundtrack in a movie. A really good part in a movie. Like when they all start shooting each other and there are explosions. And someone is on fire. If 'Girlfriend' is one of those movies, then more power to you and the Gnome in Spring Jeans. But if I am correct, and I am, that song would play well during Steel Magnolias* and/or Circle of Friends. Maybe even that traveling pants movie with all the hot chicks in it. (not without irony, as it is about pants and the song is written by a Gnome). When I think of it, all those movies needed was a few scenes where they all start shooting each other and there are explosions. And someone is on fire. And now we have come full circle, and you are realizing the soothing help that I give people.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Number five:

5) Have you tried listening to more than just the one song, Steve? I suggest listening to Queen, Aerosmith, or basically anyone else. Hell, even watching tv will give you a nice Jingle every now and again. You ever hear the Menards theme song, Steve? It's like Mozart. Or that State Farm ditty? Did you know that Barry Manilow wrote that, Steve? Maybe you should start listening to Regina Spektor. She is way hotter than the Gnome girl. Less angry too.

So Steve, did we make a breakthrough or what?!
You are going to start listening to other music that doesn't suck, and I am going to watch Steel Magnolias tonight. Everybody wins.
If there are rules to this thing we call life, I think it's that helping people figure stuff out is what I am awesome at doing.
I think there are other rules, but I am going to go watch a movie.
Steve, watch your back, and while at those sci-fi cons, avoid the bondage rooms. If you dig Avril what's her face, you will get all shades of torn up in there.

Your DJ on the afternoon rush hour,

* Just wanted you to think about Steel Magnolias one more time. That movie rules.


  1. Good heavens that was a manly post. Brimming with testosterone. Especially the question. I'll bet that Steve is one sexy slab of man meat. Like if Vin Diesel had a baby with a truck. A manly truck. Yeah.