Thursday, January 29, 2009

Harpers Bazaar is not like a Bazaar in Morocco.

Dearest knights of the Coffee table,

Do not be fooled by the amount of product I am pressing out en mass.
The YesAndy! factories will have to take a holiday sometime, as I am the only worker, and I refuse to outsource my wisdom to the Indians. Dot, not feathers. Not that I dislike them both, quite the contrary, I enjoy both Curry and all of North America. Which they both invented respectively.
It's just that lately, I have been asked so many pressing questions, that I feel if I take even the shortest vacation, I will risk making you feel alone.
You are not alone, my flock. I am right here waiting to shave you and sell your wool to the highest bidder.
Speaking of shaving and curry and other things, it looks like our next 'Helpee' came to me just in time. A person named 'Fingers' writes:

Dear Yes Andy,

I left my house yesterday by foot, and in a neighbor's yard I found something interesting. It appeared to be a monkey's paw. I love wishes(good), but it was gross and I am not down with disease(bad). So I left it there and now I regret it. Did I make the right decision?


Dear Fingers,
Hell if I know, Man. I mean, if I were a Witch Doctor ('Which' I am. Pun intended) I would click and whistle many things to you regarding the evil that you avoided while at the same time berate your folly at the unlimited power that you passed by.
That's right, Fingers, Monkey Paws are sacred magic. Sacred, dark and evil magic.
Not to be confused with Monkey Blood, which everyone knows is in everything we drink with the exception of Diet Coke.
I am impressed with your knowledge of Monkey Paws, Fingers. In fact, I know of only one man who knows more on the subject than I do. My old professor-
Dr. Hestridge Turnbuckle Merriwether Thistlewaite Esq. III.
I say he was my professor out of respect, as I surpassed his knowledge which at one time when I was 11 seemed infinite. Sadly, when I took a very important exam in Smart School, my brain was pronounced the biggest and best. Thus making him redundant. He went mad with melancholy and jealousy, and was last seen in a carnival in the orient selling paper hats made out of stone.

The whole business was terrible, and I seldom like to delve into my past.

But you, Fingers, seem to be channeling his knowledge of the Monkey Paw. And I consider it destiny that you found me on this world wide superhighway. So many years later. If it wouldn't be too much of a bother, I will be referring to you from now on with a nickname I liked to call my dear colleague.

So, Dr. Asshole. You walked by a Monkey Paw and were afraid of the little cooties it had on it.
Nice going, braintrust. Did you ever even read my essay on the power that little ziplock sandwich bags hold?
No, you didn't, as it was only in the New England Journal of Fucking Medicine. And I doubt you have a subscription like I do.
See,they are tiny little plastic bags that you can put stuff in to keep them fresh and tidy. They are designed for two things
A- Keeping sandwiched soft and delicious
B- Monkey Paws.
So, Dr. Asshole, here are five things for you to consider:

1) When you come across a Monkey Paw, you pick it up. Just as if I were to walk next to a box carrying the bones of Christ himself, I would maybe stop a minute to check out how heavy the box was and maybe call into work that day because I had the bones of Jesus and unlimited cosmic power. Hell, even if it were a Jesus Paw I would take it. You don't find those everyday and there are only five in existence. You know what kind of paw I would NOT stop and pick up?
See number two:

2) ALWAYS SAY YES TO PAWS. Take all the Paws you can, and never ever question it again. The thing that is so great about Monkey Paws is that most people don't want to touch them, so not to say they are plentiful, they are attainable. Not like the Paws of the 'Tibetan Johnny Cock'. Those are more of a claw thing, and usually they are covered in elf blood. But everyone in the field of science and mysticism knows that claws trump paws any day of the week. But we are talking about Paws, aren't we, Dr. Asshole?

3) I was talking earlier about the attainability of Monkey Paws. Now, everyone knows that with the possession of the paw of a monkey, you get as many wishes as there are digits on the paw. However, what many do not realize is that you can easily make false monkey paws in your kitchen. I have, in my travels, come across many of them. See, the tricky thing about these fake paws is that you still get wishes out of them, but the wishes you get are evil wishes. The kind of wishes that teach you lessons about greed and stuff.

4) Please remember, Dr. A, that you may have avoided a fake Monkey Paw while walking around your neighborhood, you also missed an opportunity to play a game called "Reverse Monkey Paw Psychology" This game, along with Justice League Monopoly, Mad Gab and The Clarissa Explains it all Board game are among my favorite activities when with a group of close friends. All you have to do is ask the paw a wish that is the opposite of what you really intend. It's pretty simple. For example: If you want several Million US Dollars in small unmarked non consecutive bills, all you need to wish is- I wish that my worst enemy would get several million US Dollars...etc.
That way, the evil is put upon your enemies head, and all you have to do is break into his/her garage with a lot of duffel bags and a wheel barrow.
This game however does not work when wishing for sexual fantasies to come true, because you end up having sex with zombies or something.

5) Did you ever think that perhaps that Monkey Paw was the neighbors who you were spying on? Maybe they realized that it was an evil monkey paw and threw it out into the yard, hoping that some peeping Tom neighbor would get his come-uppance? I think you should invest in some binoculars and stick to the old fashioned 'looking out your back window with binoculars' and maybe you will see something interesting like a murder. However, do not overlook the fact that your neighbor could be sitting on a lot of cash in his garage, and the only thing between you and the almighty dollar is a small deadbolt lock and some zombie hookers. Both of which can be dealt with if you bring a crowbar.

So Fingers(Dr. Asshole) I appreciate you bringing me down memory lane. I haven't thought of that old son of a bitch since I was a pre-teen. Also, it is Winter, the monkey Paw would probably be well preserved in the cold. A trip to your local mercantile would get you the ziplock bags you need for future endeavors into the dark and interesting science of the occult.
I should also mention that they are great for organizing beads if you moonlight as a jewelry maker. So I would check and see if the paw is still there, and try tempting fate.
But don't be a fool and wish for more Monkey Paws. Those things are covered in wood ticks. Much like children.

Best Monkey Paw Wishes!

Your favorite fortune telling carnie,

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