The one called a dozen.

I'll have one dozen bits of advice from you, YesAndy!
And I give it to you, as I am your only hope for the answers.
-Y.A.!

Friday, March 16, 2007

Three lefts make a right... Current mood:Happy to be here. My Dearest Flock Of Seagulls, I have to be honest with you. I owe it to all of my faithful readers. I just deleted a paragraph containing flowing prose and tales of valiant knights all in the hopes of explaining why I have been gone for so long. I have to admit, I am a very talented wordsmith, and the things I tell you are not meant as mere advice, but rather law that you should pass to your children's children. I think that you deserve the real reason why I have been gone for so long. Why I am sure you thought that I had abandoned you. The answer is simple. As if a child had come up with the reason. In fact, a child did come up with the reason. I went to Asia to become an Animal Doctor and to learn how to shoot lasers out of my eyes. Let that sink in for a moment. The fact that a five and a half year old came up with the excuse doesn't take away from the fact that I helped a Mommy cat give birth to 8 baby kittens and I wrote 'Yes Andy Rocks!' on the side of a mountain just by staring at it. I did this just before I sat in front of my computing machine to answer a burning question from our dear friend "Righty" Of all the questions I have answered in the past, this one took me by surprise. Enjoy, and remember that there are no rules for this mortal coil, just because I haven't thought them up yet. Also, you will notice that the frequency of my replies will be limited to weekly installments. I'm only doing this because I have so many animals to help and stuff to stare at. 'Righty' asks: Dear Mr. Yes, Andy! Is it true that left-handed people are better in bed? xo, Righty Dear Righty, There are times in this column when my usual 'Hell if I know' opener will not work. Truth be told, I only started using that phrase to put you at ease right at the start. I am staggeringly intelligent and did not wish to isolate you. I wanted to develop a friendly relationship with you, and maybe with enough followers, have a catchy phrase to put on a T-shirt that people could identify with. Righty, I think you know where I am going with this… The answer is No. Absolutely not. Left-handed people are an abomination, and go against everything that God designed in the utopia that is the universe. To even think that Left-Handed people have the right to breed is to invite war and tyranny into what is the well-oiled machine of society. Your 5 things: 1)As a writer named Andy, I am a man. I can only assume that you are a woman, Righty. A woman who feels that she has had all the right-handed men who know where ladies like to be touched. I assure you that is not the case. You would know if you have been with Yes Andy! That's right… Yes Andy is a 'righty' too. We can usually sense when one of our own kind is nearby. Right-handed people give out a kind of scent that is not unlike the musk a wild beast uses to attract a mate (if only for one night of intense love-making). I won't say that Yes Andy is flavor country, but if I were the sexiest man writing this column (which I am) I'd say that you stumbled on the best tasting man in the opinion giving field. Or an animal doctor. Which I am also. 2) I realize that I might be too hard on left handed people, or as the oppressed Jews in the Old Testament called them: Pharaoh. Yeah, I might be too hard on them. And Moses might have just been 'overreacting'. 3) I remember that one of my ex girlfriends is left handed. Not to use her misfortune as a point, but I heard that she has a baby now and it has a lazy eye. A lazy LEFT eye! Coincidence? I don't think so, Erica! Who's sorry now? Huh? I guess we all can't be as mature as you! Look at me, I'm leaving you for someone who is stable and has a future! My daddy owns a dealership! Yeah, have fun with your lazy eyed bat-child you evil monster! I don't have a heart to break anymore because of your lies! 4) In the defense of Left handed people, I feel I should look to the opinion of a 3rd party. Someone who is neither left nor right handed. That someone is Harry S. Truman, and he is dead now…. Ok, I jut didn't have a 4th thing to write. I'm sorry, it's late and I have had a long day of Animal doctoring… 5) Let's say that left-handers are the Deceptacons and Right-handers are the Autobots. Left-handers have a bunch of construction equipment that turn into a big robot. Lame. But the Right-handed Autobots(the good guys) have the Dinobots which are much cooler. Especially Grimlock who was the leader. All I'm saying is that the Transformer movie looks cool. Righty, you know I'm just trying to hide the truth behind some flashy pop culture references and some funny bits about my ex-girlfriends ugly chud of a kid, right? We're sharing a few laughs and learning a bit about people who happen to be born with a birth defect. Being left-handed doesn't mean you are better in bed that right handed people. It means you are just 'ok' in bed. I'm super glad that your question could be answered by me. I also have to say that calling me 'Mr. Yes Andy' is making me feel old, so cut that shit out. And by signing with an 'XO' does that mean you want to hug and kiss me? if it does, then XO right back to you and all my readers. Keep those questions rolling in and tell the world that I am back with a vengeance. Stay Awesome, Righty, or some Lefty will steal your wallet. Your right hand man, Yes Andy!