Friday, January 23, 2009

Another one?! Heck yes!

I'm gonna stop writing stuff before these older posts. I'm getting a cramp, and I want to make a drink.

Hope you are liking them, though. Newer stuff to come!


Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Are you testing me? Well, I pass!
Current mood:Over the Moon.

Dearest Ones,
I am still here, but the messages have been drying up the last couple of days. Remember to gently suggest that your friends come and ask me things. I will hug them with words, kiss them with wisdom and make them pregnant with insight. I am your brother from another mother. Trust me, I'm yours. Here is tonight's messageFrom a girl named Minnie:

Dear Yes Andy!
I am supposed to be studying for a really big, really important test right now, my future kinda sorta depends on this test. The problem is I have the attention span of a 2 year old. Instead of studying I am mindlessly surfing the 'net and reading blogs.

Any advice on how to focus and get back to studying --instead of reading the YES, ANDY! blog? ;)

Holla, Minnie.
Hell if I know, but I think reading this blog is the least of your worries. I try not to put all my eggs in a basket and then ride a roller coaster that is called "MY OWN PERSONAL ARMAGEDDON COMES IN THE FORM OF A TEST". You seem to have already bought your ticket for the theme park of the damned, so I'll help you. Probably because you are so flippin' cute, and I am a sucker for Betty Davis eyes... Or so I assume. Yes Andy! doesn't kiss and tell. Unless you ask me a question about how I kiss. But this is for another night.
So a big test, huh?
I think we can all agree that they are a big honkin' drag.
A wiser person than myself once said that 'Education is EVERYTHING".
So I applaud your moxie for taking a quiz that determines the fate of how much you are smiling the next day. And for days to come.
Like I said, I'm a betting man. In casinos, I will always lose, but in life, I am a rich man.
You are not alone in having the attention span of a 2 year old, Minnie. I just saw something shiney and followed it around my house for an hour before I started this next sentence. I think coffee helps. Coffee at all hours of the day. My flatmate (to use a british term) thinks I am crazy to be brewing a pot of dark roast at 9pm. I think he is crazy to not join in. I have fun. And I'll pass any test they throw at me if the subject is being awesome. Damnit. You had something you needed answered....

Yes, Andy! thinks you should sit down with your books whenever you get a free minute. However, don't cram for long hours, Minnie. That will make you really stupid, and you will forget everything you have read.
Your five things are as follows:

1) 10 minute bursts. This is key. Keep telling yourself "10 Minute Bursts"
What I mean is, sit down and read your matrial for 10 clicks. then take a break. Smoke a smoke, watch some youTube, read a blog. Distract yourself for a few minutes. Then go back and read some more. You will find that you retain more and you don't notice the time fly by. You might also start seeing some funny things on the internet. Like those bunnies that do movies in 30 seconds. That shit is great. Check out and laugh for a bit.

2) You are a smart girl, so grab the nearest male friend you have (or a lady friend with strong fingers) and get a backrub. You probably are super tense if this test means so much to your future. You need to get the knots out. They contain little demons that eat brain matter when you sleep. I have tried to exorcise these minions of satan using the necronomicon, but villiages of the damned aside, back rubs work wonders.

3) Flash cards. Make them. A lot of them. Only sneak in some cards that are really simple. Like what the spanish word for water is. Everyone knows it's "WAAA-WAAAA" Helen Keller taught us so much. When you get the super easy ones right, you will feel more confident. Feeling confident is cool.

4) Throw darts at pictures of people who are successful, but did not have to work hard at being so. You don't see them taking a test that makes demon stress knots in thier backs. No, you throw those sharp pointy things at Paris Hilton, and with every hit, you visualize how much she cries at night when the drugs wear off, and imagine you can hear her cries at the loss of any kind of sparkle in her eye that once resembled a future. You have more verve in your pinky finger than she has dollars in the trust fund.

5) Every morning before your test, eat a really good breakfast. I'm talking balanced, sweetie. No one really does this. Not even in the commeercials. People are in it for the frosting on the pop tart or the marshmallows in the Haagen Daaz. SO you eat a balanced break of the fast, and you grow big and strong like the amazon queen you are inside. Because Amazons are super hot. And the day before your test, you skip the most important meal. Ok? Stay with me...
See, you are tricking your body and brain into thinking you don't care anymore. Your body will be like "what the fuck? I want my OJ." and your brain will be all "What the fuck? I want some OJ too"
But the day of your test, you eat the balanced B-fast, and right on cue, your brain and body will be like Popeye on spinach laced with moon crack. And Moon crack is better because it's from the moon. Then you will do great on your test.

So when it boils right down to it, Minnie, you aren't taking the test. The test is taking you. Taking you on a road to the biggest future you could imagine. Just think of the really great grade or number you think you are capable of getting on your worst day. Got it? Ok. Now I need you to take that score, divide it by half. After than, multipy by 20. Then add 5. Ok, now divide it by 4. Awesome. Now I need you to realize that what I am trying to do is distract you from freaking out, because you have nothing to worry about. Your brain is powerful. I can feel it working from here. All you need to do is make sure you look in the mirror everyday and say "FUCK YEAH!" and then point at your reflection and wink. It is better than any balanced breakfast. Except for the marshmallows...

Stay Awesome, Minnie! You get an 'A' for the future!

Yours in blood,
Yes Andy!

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