Friday, January 23, 2009

And we're back!

Hello out there to all of you from the void of the world wide web!
The YesAndy! offices are located in Minneapolis, Minnesota, where it is currently a balmy Zero degrees on the Fahrenheit scale.
Zero. That means it is nothing degrees outside, and since I live in a spacious and luxurious mansion that was built before it was fashionable to live in old apartments that they call 'Condo's', my windows are thin, and my space heater is running on all cylinders.
To no avail, I am sad to report. It is cold in my domain, and I am a bit numb in the fingers and grumpy in the attitude.
That, however, will not affect my first advice post in almost two years.
I'd say 'welcome back' but you have never left. No, dear and faithful reader and seeker of the truth, you have been sitting outside in a sleeping bag on the sidewalk of my heart like you are waiting to buy tickets to a wrestling match just to see me pile drive knowledge into the collective minds of the planet.
All imagery aside, I have missed you, and want us to be good friends. You can trust me to never bullshit, and always enlighten.
That said, let us begin our new friendship with my latest query from a hot little number who calls herself 'Juicer'

Dear YesAndy!

If you bleed into food that a vegetarian (but not Vegan) is going to consume, do you have to disclose that information?

Yours truly,

Dear Juicer,
Hell if I know, but since it is so freaking cold in my house, I have no choice but to keep typing just to keep the blood flowing through my fingertips. You are in luck, since I value my digits, and am only assuming that you are a woman who wants me to tell you them. Get it? Digits? Like my phone number? The one you want to use to call me and have me whisper sweet nothings in your ear?
I might have been off the reservation for a while, but let me tell you that I am nothing if not more attractive, and I can tell you are interested in me. I'm interested in you, too, Juicer. But my number is unlisted, even though bill collectors seem to have it all figured out.
What did you want again?
Oh yeah, Blood.
That's a tricky thing, blood. And if I was a Hematologist (which I am), I would tell you to stop freaking out. It's just blood, woman, stop crying.
Did you cut yourself?
Are you a chef to the damned?
Who serves blood to people? What kind of restaurant do you run?
I know a lot of people who are vegetarian, and nine times out of ten, they do not order anything with blood in it.
And if they did, then they are a very bad vegetarian and don't know what that lifestyle means.
Here are some things that have popped into my very well shaped head, which I hope helps you decide to be more careful in the kitchen:

1) The worst kind of vegetarian is a Vampire. Those are vegetarians who drink the blood of the living(usually mammals) to survive the endless night that is their undead existence. They lie and tell you that they only eat vegetables, but what they really want is that crimson colored kool aid that keeps the body going. They drink that stuff like it's a taco bell soda fountain and they just paid for a water cup but fill it with diet pepsi. You see what I'm saying, Juicer? The diet pepsi is blood, and the damned vampires are freeloaders who should have forked over the cash and bought at least a small soda cup. I mean, I paid for a soda cup! Why the hell do they get to steal soda? I mean, I'm right there! I know what the water cups look like. They look different from my $1.59 small soda cup. Just stop stealing soda, Juicer. That's all I'm saying.

2) What is worse than Vampires? Actual legit Vegetarians. They don't eat meat or something. Good God! I'd rather be in a room full of Vampires than a room full of Vegetarians. You know one thing a vampire doesn't have that makes them at the very least bearable to be around? Pamphlets. Vegetarians wreak of pamphlets. They want to change you into being one of them more than a Vampire does. Even more than fundamentalist Christians with those papers that ask if you are saved. Holy crap do I hate pamphlets asking me to not eat meat.

3) What is worse than Vegetarian Vampire's with Pamphlets? Vegans. Sweet Sunny Day Christ, do those guys suck. Those are the vegetarians who have gone off the grid and seen the face of god and it has made them more bat-shit crazy than all of the Rush Limbaugh's of the world. They have seriously lost their minds. Those people don't just not eat meat, but they don't eat something that has been within a hundred yards of meat. Or has the word meat in it. Or has the letters M, E, A or T in the title.
And I'm pretty sure they smell weird. And most of them have dreadlocks and dirty clothes.

4) If a Vegetarian Vampire Vegan like you were talking about in your question has bled on anything you are about to eat, I am pretty sure you are going to die, Juicer. That, or become a right wing fundamentalist. I'm not sure. I think I have forgotten what your question was about. It is so damn cold in here.

5) If you really did bleed on some VeggieVampEgan (new term we should all use)'s food, I am pretty sure they will only want more of your delicious blood and you should quit your job and skip town. They are coming to get you, Juicer. And they have a lot of fucking pamphlets. Get out of there! The proverbial phone call is coming from inside the damn building! Run! But don't come here, it is zero degrees. Let's you and I meet on some beach somewhere, ok?

In the end, Juicer, if you bleed on someone's anything, be it food or even a sweater you borrowed, you should tell them. Unless you got the blood out with a lot of hot water or bleach.
I wouldn't suggest using bleach to clean blood off of food, as it is a poison and will kill people.
And if you do use bleach, please clear the history section of your computer so I cannot be linked to your trail of death.
Remember that eating meat is fun and delicious. And Vegetarian Vampire Vegans are to be feared. Out of irony, I suggest you make a pamphlet and pass it out to people waiting at bus stops to spread awareness of our common enemy.
I know you will do the right thing with my wisdom in your toolbelt.
Goodluck, Juicer. I love you with all my carnivorous might. As do we all.
And no, you should never tell anyone you bled on their food. That is so fucking gross.

Stay awesome!

Your meat eating buddy of the night,

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