Friday, January 23, 2009

Ninth old advice bit.

The ninth installment. From back in the day.


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

It's pronounced: Pen-oose. It's french...
Current mood:Keeping mine in my pants...

Hey Panda Bears,
The people demand my wisdom, and much like city hall, you can't fight it. I am your public servant, and you are my masters. Whip me, beat me, and write me bad checks. You know the old saying. Anyway, this one comes from a bird that calls herself 'Poked and hating it'. Looks like my work is cut out for me on this one… As always, you ask, I answer. Ours is a forbidden love. But I will always call you in the AM. Welcome to your newest Yes Andy! Thing:

Dear Yes Andy,
I am in a play and have to simulate sex on stage, the man I must do this with has been poking me with his little soldier who is always at attention and it is making me very uncomfortable, what do I do? Signed, 'Poked and hating it'

Dear Poked,
Hell if I know, but if I were an actor (which I am), I would be worrying about how good I look in the sex scene. I am certain that all the women that write to Yes Andy! Are hot bits of lady. So I'm sure you don't have that problem. I tend to attract the attractive, you know? Much like Jesus did way back when. And like the Jesus, it is my cross to bear. Enough about me. You have a penis-poking problem. Have you ever read the bible or gone to Catholic School? Well, I know people who have done both. These people have told me that acting is evil and goes against God. I'm not sure where I'm going with that, but I have space to fill and you still have a penis-poking problem. Anyways, I think they might have been Baptists. Here are some things that you could try to get this guy's attention without making it all about the penis…poking problem… I don't think that will stop being funny to me. Enjoy!
1) If you are still in rehearsals for this production, you have many options. This is the first one: Be upfront about it to him. Don't beat around the bush (no pun intended). Tell him that he needs to masturbate before each performance so he doesn't get aroused during the scene. He's a fucking actor, he shouldn't be so method. Tell him to do this at home before he gets to the theatre. No one needs to see that in the green room.

2) During the sex scene, grab a mouse trap that you have secretly placed within arms reach. When the offensive little member hits you, let the trap spring into action. He will never get an erection around you or any woman again.

3) If mutilation isn't your bag, fuck with his head. You are a theatre chick, right? Right. Well get creative. Go to the kitchen and whip up a batch of fake blood. Place the fake blood in a zip lock bag and put it in your underpants. Then, when he begins the Penis poking problem..heh... you open up the bag and let loose the floodgates. Start screaming like he stabbed you and cry out "I was a virgin!" this will make other people laugh and make him lose his erection in a very speedy manner. Talk this over with your stage manager, so they can have some cleaning supplies at the ready.

4) That last one was kind of gross. If you are touchy about being called 'bloody mary' for the rest of the run of the show, you can try this: when his problematic penis starts poking you, stop the scene and punch him in the face. Call him a pervert and then cut off his dick. You may go to jail for a while, but you will get a lot of press and become the subject of a trivial pursuit question.

5) Tell him offstage just before the scene that you are really into him, and that you wish it were real. Also mention that you want to call him Cheryl. Tell him that it is your father's middle name and that you like it kinky and really fucking weird. I gave similar advice to a plant just yesterday. During the scene, whisper that you'd like to see him in a pretty dress with flowers on it, and use the name Cheryl before every sentence. 'Cheryl, I think that the war in Iraq is wrong' 'Cheryl, I think I forgot to turn off the TV before I left for rehearsal' 'Cheryl, I'm pregnant with your little Cheryl babies. We should call each of them Cheryl, Cheryl.' When he thinks you are sufficiently fucked up in the head, he will lose his wood, because sex with a crazy girl isn't worth it. I'm just kidding, of course it is.

Poked, I think you need to take a few minutes and try to put yourself in his shoes. After all, he is just a man. Men are silly and think about sex a lot. And when you are acting like you are having sex, it's kind of like all the dry humping we all used to do in Junior High. You could talk to the director too, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of this. I really stand by my #5 suggestion. I know that you have been helped. And I will sleep better tonight with the thought that I have solved your penis poking problem. Damn. You're screwed. Just kidding! Cut his dick off!

Stay Awesome, Poked!

Your most valued member,
Yes Andy!

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